Checking up on Crazy Uncle Milton

As the Cubs inch closer to officially signing a new right fielder, I thought it would be a proper time to check up on Crazy Uncle Milton himself. He's a special character who gave me a look inside his crystal (meth) ball to see his future. Here is a glimpse of how the first year will go down according to the crystal ball. Reader discretion is advised due to strong language.

JANUARY 2009: Crazy Uncle Milton signs a three-year deal worth approximately $30 million. When asked about if he will be able to play right field after a year of being a designated hitter, Milton responded.

"Yeah motherf*cker. I can play right field. You don't think I can play the outfield? You must be retarded. I'll f*cking kill you!"

MARCH 2009: Milton opens Spring Training on a tear. He is hitting everything in sight as he leads the team in batting average, on-base percentage, OPS in the first two weeks after camp breaks. However, Milton is seeing a lot of time as the designated hitter in Arizona ball. A reporter asks Milton if he is healthy enough to play the field.

"Hell yeah, I'm healthy! I'm breathing right. I wouldn't be breathing if I was healthy you dumb motherf*cker. I hate retards. Go Plaxico yo'self!"

APRIL 2009: After a conversation with Cincinnati Reds manager Dusty Baker, Milton refuses to take the field on a cold April afternoon. That sparks this heated rant.

"It's cold, f*ck that. There's snow on the f*cking ground motherf*cker. You don't see brothas playing baseball in the snow. Hell, brothas don't like playing football in the snow. That's why we like the south. It ain't cold. This is bullsh*t, Lou!"

JULY 2009: As the weather heats up, so does Milton. After a slow start, he is now hitting .290 with 10 home runs as he leads the team in OBP. A reporter asks Milton if he can keep up his hot hitting. Of course, he goes ballistic in his response.

"Hell yeah I'm gonna keep it up (no homo). It's summer time. It's hot. I'm hot. My bat's hot. You think I wanna stop hitting the ball? You think I'm gonna stop hitting the ball? That's my job, see the ball and hit the ball f*ckin hard. That's it. And catch the ball when it's hit to me. That's what I do. I get paid to hit the damn ball. So pitch me the damn ball so I can take your head off with a batted ball. It'll f*cking kill you!"

AUGUST 2009: Milton's hot hitting has indeed continued through the summer. However, he has a rough game where he goes 0-for-3 with three strikeouts before hitting a double that started a Cubs come-from-behind rally. Color commentator Bob Brenly complements Milton's swing, which for some reason upsets him.

"That is some Brokeback Mountain sh*t, Bob. My swing is pretty? How the f*ck you gonna call a grown man's swing pretty. Does it got lipstick on? Does it have titties? Does it have one of those easy access skirts on? F*ck no! Gawddammitt Bob, I'll f*cking kill you!"

SEPTEMBER 2009: Milton leads the Cubs to a third-straight NL Central title. A celebration occurs.

"We gonna pop champagne like we won a championship game. F*ck them motherf*ckers that doubted us. They dead now! DEAD! Where's my champagne? Wait...this ain't Cristal? Where's my Cristal? Can a brotha get some Henney? Can I pop some Henney? D-Lee, why you drinkin' my Henney? I'll kill you motherf*cker!"

OCTOBER 2009: Milton and the Cubs have done the impossible in capturing the Cubs' first World Series title since 1908. He hits a walk-off home run in the bottom of the 12th inning off CC Sabathia, who started the game. A reporter asks Milton how it feels to be the hero. His response, classic.

"How do you think I feel you f*cking idiot? I'm rich. I'm paid. I'm 'bout to get laid and we won. Bitches gonna love me. We f*cking won. F*ck you guys who thought we couldn't win. You're all a bunch of f*cking homos. All of you. Did you think I wasn't gonna get the game winning hit? I'll slit your f*cking throat. We the mothaf*ckin champions!"