10 Things Barack Obama Should Do (Sports related, of course because what else matters)

President-elect Barack Obama plays it cool in Chicago
Pretty self-explanatory. Here are 10 things I hope Barack Obama can accomplish in his first term in office.

  1. Order the Chicago Cubs to win a World Series. Because it is obvious to everyone in the baseball world that they will not do it willingly.
  2. Eliminate the Bowl Championship Series. Establish a playoff system that includes each conference's champion. Claim 10% of profits and use it to pay off the national debt.
  3. Tell every free-wheeling owner if he wants to spend $1 billion on free agents then he must put the same amount of money back into the education system.
  4. Banish all dumb, drunk White Sox fans to Oakland. They're giving Chicago baseball fans a bad name.
  5. Do the same will all dumb, drunk Cubs fans. But not the cute girls, they can be saved!
  6. Establish the Supreme Court of Sports with the honorable David Stern and Roger Goodell for starters. Remove Bud Selig and Gary Bettman from office.
  7. Mandate price breaks on season and single-game tickets for die-hard fans. Tickets to big-time sporting events shouldn't cost an arm, leg and first-born child to attend.
  8. Appoint PacMan Jones to a government job to keep him out of trouble. Get him an office with a stripper pole and he would never get in trouble.
  9. Touchdown celebrations will no longer be penalized. Instead, they will be judged. Loser pays $10,000 towards the Shawn Kemp School of Learning.
  10. Signing bonuses from Bart Scott and Brandon Jacobs should be donated to Saluki Way.
Five ideas that missed the cut:
  • Mandatory retirement age for Brett Favre, Michael Jordan and Rickey Henderson
  • "My President Is Black" by Young Jeezy replaces the 7th inning stretch and "Black President" by Nas replaces very home team's victory song
  • Cruel and unusual punishment is legal for one thing and one thing only: Ruining The National Anthem will be punishable by law, preferably by launch via catapult
  • Implementing cheerleaders for Bears games and Cubs games ... because I can't get enough of pretty blond girls
  • Lower tariffs and taxes on imported 7-footers with low-post moves so the Bulls can sign one to team with Derrick Rose