Pretty self-explanatory. Here are 10 things I hope Barack Obama can accomplish in his first term in office.
- Order the Chicago Cubs to win a World Series. Because it is obvious to everyone in the baseball world that they will not do it willingly.
- Eliminate the Bowl Championship Series. Establish a playoff system that includes each conference's champion. Claim 10% of profits and use it to pay off the national debt.
- Tell every free-wheeling owner if he wants to spend $1 billion on free agents then he must put the same amount of money back into the education system.
- Banish all dumb, drunk White Sox fans to Oakland. They're giving Chicago baseball fans a bad name.
- Do the same will all dumb, drunk Cubs fans. But not the cute girls, they can be saved!
- Establish the Supreme Court of Sports with the honorable David Stern and Roger Goodell for starters. Remove Bud Selig and Gary Bettman from office.
- Mandate price breaks on season and single-game tickets for die-hard fans. Tickets to big-time sporting events shouldn't cost an arm, leg and first-born child to attend.
- Appoint PacMan Jones to a government job to keep him out of trouble. Get him an office with a stripper pole and he would never get in trouble.
- Touchdown celebrations will no longer be penalized. Instead, they will be judged. Loser pays $10,000 towards the Shawn Kemp School of Learning.
- Signing bonuses from Bart Scott and Brandon Jacobs should be donated to Saluki Way.
Five ideas that missed the cut:- Mandatory retirement age for Brett Favre, Michael Jordan and Rickey Henderson
- "My President Is Black" by Young Jeezy replaces the 7th inning stretch and "Black President" by Nas replaces very home team's victory song
- Cruel and unusual punishment is legal for one thing and one thing only: Ruining The National Anthem will be punishable by law, preferably by launch via catapult
- Implementing cheerleaders for Bears games and Cubs games ... because I can't get enough of pretty blond girls
- Lower tariffs and taxes on imported 7-footers with low-post moves so the Bulls can sign one to team with Derrick Rose
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