Chicago Tribune columnist Rick Morrisey has solved the Chicago Cubs issues with a most genius plot.
No more nice guys.
Take it away, Rick.
Jake Peavy once fired Agent of Darkness Scott Boras. This suggests a man with fine judgment and perhaps even a good heart.
Thus, he was the last guy the Cubs should have been pursuing during the recently concluded winter meetings.
That's right, the last guy the Cubs should have been pursuing. What team in their right mind would try to find a slot in their rotation for a pitcher one season removed from a 19-6 record an a Cy Young Award.
Oh by the way, Scott Boras gets along with the Cubs quite well. For the record.
I know: You never can have enough good pitchers. The mere thought of Peavy joining Carlos Zambrano, Ryan Dempster, Rich Harden and Ted Lilly had Cubs fans searching for the "It's Gonna Happen" T-shirts they had vowed to donate to Goodwill.
But Peavy is not coming to the Cubs, and trust me on this one, it's a good thing. The Cubs need a few nasty characters on the roster, and Peavy's dismissal of Boras automatically disqualifies him. It shows a fatal streak of rationality.
Rationality? What was Big Z's reasoning behind beating the absolute heck out of teammate Michael Barrett? Where was Lilly's rationality behind punching out his manager in Toronto? It looks like the Cubs have a few go-getters on their starting rotation already.
No, as we have been saying all along, the Cubs are too nice, too soft, too upstanding. We could use unfriendliness, hard edges and even a little villainy, within reason.
Which leads us to the two not-so-gentle men the Cubs should sign, Milton Bradley and Randy Johnson.
I can't wait 'til Morrisey starts writing columns bitching about how media un-friendly the Cubs are. And how they would be a great story if they were only more quotable.
I'll go on and say I agree with signing Milton Bradley, not because he's a nut case. But because he is a switch-hitter who hit 22 homers, posted a .436 on-base percentage and can play all three outfield positions.
Let's move forward and see Rick's rationale behind The Big Unit.
Johnson might be 45, but it's a mean 45. This is a guy who hits batters who dare try to bunt on him. After being traded to the Yankees three years ago, he pushed aside a TV camera and yelled at the cameraman. Every side of the bed is the wrong side of the bed when Johnson gets up in the morning.
Signing the Unit would have been a great idea, say, 10 years ago when he was approaching his prime. Instead, the Cubs took their chances on riding a youngster named Kerry Wood who would later blow out his arm beginning a torturous tenure with the Cubs. Johnson went on to win a World Championship with Mark Grace, Bob Brenly and the Arizona Diamondbacks.
The Cubs did not lose last year because their starting rotation lacked someone like Peavy. They lost because they needed a left-handed hitter, some speed and more people who wouldn't freak out in the spotlight. So forget about Peavy. They don't need another starter, unless he comes with some sort of personality disorder and would get hives inside the Cubs' janitor's closet of a clubhouse.
A question: who would you have rather started Game 1 against the Dodgers. Ryan Dempster or Jake Peavy, who owns a career 13-1 mark against L.A. with a 2.32 ERA and 1.01 WHIP in 22 games. Just wondering.
Hold on a second. A Google search shows Peavy was arrested in January 2007 after double-parking his car outside Mobile (Ala.) Regional Airport.
"The airport police told him he couldn't park there, and he said, 'Write me up a ticket, and I'll pay for it,' " Padres general manager Kevin Towers said at the time. "He was arrested."
Disregard for authority? A certain haughtiness? Maybe we have been a little hasty in dismissing him.
So, Rick, you're basically telling me I wasted my time reading your column.
Eh, what else is new?