Mocking The NBA Draft, Vol. 7.0: The After Party

NBA Unveils Reading and Learning Center at Los Angeles Boys & Girls Club
Yeah, David, I don't know what the T'Wolves are doing either.

Brief draft review:
  • The only bigger "duh" moment than the Clippers taking Blake Griffin No. 1 overall was when Charlotte drafted Duke guard Gerald Henderson. I am now convinced the Bobcats are trying to re-unite an all-time best All-ACC team.
  • The Timberwolves addressed their glaring need for a point guard four times last night. Even Villanova head coach Jay Wright thinks that's too many guards.
  • The highlight of the night was listening to Jeff Van Gundy's analysis. When he's not trying to not be critical of his brother in the NBA Finals, he's not half bad.
  • The lowlight of the night was team's allergic reaction to DeJuan Blair. I had the "oooh dejuan you so sexii" line all but ready to go, but it just doesn't seem right if it's coming out of San Antonio.
Here is the final mocking of the NBA Draft.

1. Los Angeles Clippers - Blake Griffin, Oklahoma. Blake, you can run from the Clippers' past all you want, there is a reason the Cubs aren't the nation's bad sports punchline. That reason is L.A.'s other team.

2. Memphis Grizzlies - Hasheem Thabeet, UConn. In honor of Michael Jackson (R.I.P.), the newest Grizz changed his name to Hasheem Tha-Beat-It for the night.

3. Oklahoma City Thunder - James Harden, Arizona State. And the award for best facial hair goes to...

4. Sacramento Kings - Tyreke Evans, Memphis. Some experts say he needs to improve his shot. There's a drive by joke to be had here.

5. Minnesota Timberwolves - Ricky Rubio, Spain. If looks could kill, the state of Minnesota would have been blown up. The Spaniard apparently wants nothing to do with the Mall of America, or Brett Favre for that matter.

6. Minnesota Timberwolves - Jonny Flynn, Syracuse. The look on Flynn's face said "I have to play with that guy?" as he thought of Rubio. Then Rubio had that look of "I have to play with that guy?" and it makes me think there is an Odd Couple-esque reality show to be made by ESPN.

7. Golden State Warriors - Stephen Curry, Davidson. There is no NBA fan base that I wanted to have a more heartbreaking draft than the Knicks. And for saving us from the slurp-fest that was going to be Curry at MSG, Golden, you are granted your freedom as a state.

8. New York Knicks - Jordan Hill, Arizona. David Stern could have announced the Knicks were getting the love child of Kobe Bryant and LeBron James and would still boo.

9. Toronto Raptors - DeMar DeRozan, USC. Do you think the Song Girls know the Canadian national anthem?

10. Milwaukee Bucks - Brandon Jennings, Italy via Compton, Calif. Jennings is the best thing to come out of Compton since Dr. Dre's Chronic 2001. But showing up late to the NBA Draft is not a good way to start a career.

11. New Jersey Nets - Terrance Williams, Louisville. The post-Vince Carter Era started a little earlier than I expected.

12. Charlotte Bobcats - Gerald Henderson, Duke. Visions of Henderson dunking all over SIU at MSG are dancing in my head.

13. Indiana Pacers - Tyler Hansbrough, North Carolina. The Pacers address a non-need by drafting a scrappy white guy who works hard and hustles. That must mean Dunleavy, Jr. or Troy Murphy are on the trading block.

14. Phoneix Suns - Earl Clark, Louisville. Some teams draft to win now, and after this pick, I'm convinced the Suns don't want to win ... well, that's the thing ... I don't know when.

15. Detroit Pistons - Austin Daye, Gonzaga. I was waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump on stage next to David Stern and say "you got punk'd! bring on DeJuan Blair" but that didn't happen until pick No. 37.

16. Chicago Bulls - James Johnson, Wake Forest. Here, the Bulls drafted Tyrus Thomas with a black belt. Well done.

17. Philadelphia 76ers - Jrue Holiday, UCLA. Holiday isn't ready to start in the NBA, let alone run a team. Good player, wrong situation.

18. Minnesota Timberwolves - Ty Lawson, North Carolina. This just in, T'Wolves to field a team without a guy taller than 6-feet.

19. Atlanta Hawks - Jeff Teague, Wake Forest. Better than what they had at the PG position before, which was nothing.

20. Utah Jazz - Eric Maynor, VCU. There is no better situation than to learn under Jerry Sloan and Deron Williams on a really good playoff team.

21. New Orleans Hornets - Darren Collison, UCLA. By adding Collison, NOLA has the smartest point guards this side of the Ivy League.

22. Portland Trail Blazers - Victor Claver, Spain. Who?

23. Sacramento Kings - Omri Casspi, Israel. Makes me wonder whatever happened to the Jewish Jordan.

24. Dallas Mavericks - B.J. Mullens, Ohio State. The Mavs would have been better served drafting Bryan Mullins. And after hearing that, they traded him to the Thunder.

25. Oklahoma City Thunder - Rodrique Beaubois, Guadeloupe. Who? From where? This has to be a prank, right?

26. Chicago Bulls - Taj Gibson, USC. I liked this pick until I realized Wayne Ellington and DeJuan "you so sexii" Blair were still on the board.

27. Memphis Grizzlies - DeMarre Carroll, Mizzou. Not slated to be drafted until the second round, the Grizz show why they've been living in the lottery since Hubie Brown retired.

28. Minnesota Timberwolves - Wayne Ellington, North Carolina. Another guard!?!?!? Oh, wait, this one can shoot. Good call.

29. Los Angeles Lakers - Toney Douglas, Florida State. The Knicks are hoping Douglas is half as good as their last point guard from FSU.

30. Cleveland Cavaliers - Christian Eyenga, Congo. I'm still in shock that the Cavs drafted a fan in the stands with their 1st round pick. LeBron has got to be thinking, "This is supposed to keep me in Cleveland."