The NBA Draft Lottery has been set and we're now more than two weeks into draft prospecting. I am surprised that no one has tried making NBA Draft projecting into a career. I mean, Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay have turned the NFL Draft into a beat. As has Joe Lunardi for the joke that is Bracketology. This is me trying to make the NBA Draft my personal beat. With a sense of humor to boot. Void if written without sarcasm.
1. Los Angeles Clippers - Blake Griffin, Oklahoma. This pick is as easy as Sunday morning. Unless, of course, your Sunday morning involves trying to figure out the quickest route from her bed to your car.
2. Memphis Grizzlies - Ricky Rubio, Spain. The more I think about Mike Conley, Jr. being the future point guard of the Grizz, the more I feel bad for the franchise. Think about it, outside of Ken Griffey, Jr., how many prosperous "juniors" do you know?
3. Oklahoma City Thunder - Hasheem Thabeet, UConn. Someone has got to rebound Kevin Durant's missed shot attempts. What do you mean Durant doesn't miss shots. His career field goal percentage (especially from beyond the arc) would like to have a word with you. That word: Clank!
4. Sacramento Kings - James Harden, Arizona State. The fact that Oklahoma City has a pro basketball franchise is a joke. The fact that Sacramento has one is as funny as a one night stand saying she's pregnant. Sacramento's best hoopster is its mayor (former Suns great Kevin Johnson) and that's saying a lot.
5. Washington Wizards - Jordan Hill, Arizona. The Wiz were desperate for either Blake Griffin or Ricky Rubio. They will get neither. Enjoy Lute Olson's greatest hits, fellas.
6. Minnesota Timberwolves - DeMar DeRozan, Southern California. The Timberpups rebuilding project begins with someone who can score. Ever heard that song by Prince called "P**** Control" ... yeah, there will be scoring like that.
7. Golden State Warriors - Stephen Curry, Davidson. In college, Steph scored. A lot. Don Nelson's team's score. A lot. I see a perfect fit here. Sorry, New York.
8. New York Knicks - Brandon Jennings, Europe. Mike D'Antoni needs a point guard to build the East Coast edition of the Phoenix Suns, and the Knicks haven't had a half-decent point guard since. Um. Charlie Ward? Chris Childs? Ugh.
9. Toronto Raptors - Gerald Henderson, Duke. Toronto needs offense at the guard position and it will allow the Raptors to move an aging Shawn Marion. Toronto isn't Durham, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.
10. Milwaukee Bucks - Jonny Flynn, Syracuse. Good news: TBDS b-ball scribe Jeff will be returning soon. Bad news: If the Bucks don't pick Flynn, they might take Jeff to run the point for them.
11. New Jersey Nets - DeJuan Blair, Pittsburgh. Overheard in the Nets' front office: "oooh dejuan you so sexii."
12. Charlotte Bobcats - Tyreke Evans, Memphis. He is big enough to fill the two-guard spot. Has enough ball-handling skills to run the point. Evans' only downfall is that he isn't coming from an ACC powerhouse.
13. Indiana Pacers - Jrue Holliday, UCLA. The Pacers need a point guard, and while I think VCU's Eric Maynor is the best pick here, Indiana hasn't made a good pick in a while. That's why they're in the draft lottery again.
14. Phoneix Suns - Ty Lawson, North Carolina. He's a winner who knows who to run a potent, up-tempo offense. That and $1.50 will get you Sunday's Chicago Sun-Times. It's the bright one, you know?
Check out The Big Dead Sidebar on Thursday for further mocking of the NBA Draft.
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