Everyone wants to fill out their mock drafts, but where does the "mock" part come in? Now, I will perfect the art of a true "mock" draft.
1. L.A. Clippers: B.J. Mullens (Ohio State)
If anyone has perfected the art of screwing up the draft, it's the Clippers. It's obvious that Blake Griffin is the jewel of this year's draft class, so it would only make sense for the Clippers to take a guy who couldn't even get on the court in the NCAA Tournament for an eighth seed.
2. Boston Celtics (via Memphis, through Minnesota): Blake Griffin (Oklahoma)
Realizing the Celtics probably can't win another championship with the current roster, Kevin McHale convinces Memphis that Kevin Love is, in fact, Elvis Presley and trades him for the No. 2 overall pick, which McHale then sends to Boston for the right to be given his own championship ring once the Celtics win with a starting lineup of Rajon Rondo, Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett and Griffin. Oh wait, you say Kevin McHale isn't with the T'Wolves anymore? Well scrap that idea then!
3. Oklahoma City Thunder: Space Needle (Seattle)
Realizing it is the only good thing he has left to steal from the City of Seattle, Clay Bennett takes advantage of the opportunity and leaves Seattle with their only claim to fame being rain and Nirvana.
4. Sacramento Kings: John Whisenant (Sacramento Monarchs)
Since the Kings can't seem to win a championship, they draft the coach who claimed the first ever professional sports championship in Sacramento, Whisenant, who lead the Monarchs to the 2005 WNBA Championship and was named Coach of the Year.
5. Washington Wizards: Michael Jordan (North Carolina)
Oh wait, they already tried that approach.
8. Minnesota T'Wolves: Tyler Hansbrough (North Carolina)
After trading Kevin Love to Memphis, McHale realizes that Minnesota needs another big, white forward on the team. McHale sees that Hansbrough is the same height, has the same wingspan and nearly the same vertical for Blake Griffin, so he figures why not?
7. Golden State Warriors: The name "Oakland" (Oakland)
The Warriors finally realize there is no U.S. state named "Golden" so they draft the rights to officially change their name to the Oakland Warriors.
8. New York Knicks: Jay-Z (Brooklyn)
This is step one of the Knicks' paster plan to lure LeBron to MSG. If the Knicks can lure Jay-Z, who is friends with LeBron, to give up his portion of the Nets and bring him in as a member of Knicks management, that would increase their chance at landing 2010's most prized free agent.
9. Toronto Raptors: Sidney Crosby (Pittsburgh)
The Raptors finally realize that no one in Canada cares about basketball, so they begin their quest to acquire as many of the top hockey players they can and ship them to the Maple Leafs so they can again be one of the top hockey teams in the NHL.
10. Milwaukee Bucks: Brett Favre (Mississippi)
Brett Favre decides he want to keep playing professionally, and wants to end his career in Wisconsin. But, since he's pretty much burned his bridges with the Packers, he decides to lace up the basketball sneakers. Favre then goes on to do the same thing he was great at when he played football, turning the ball over.
11. New Jersey Nets: LeBron James, Jr. (Akron, Ohio)
Realizing that the Knicks have probably gotten the best of the LeBron sweepstakes by getting Jay-Z, the Nets decide to build for the future. The far distant future, that is. They take LeBron's son, LeBron Jr., figuring if he has LeBron Sr.'s genes, he will be the next LeBron.
12. Charlotte Bobcats: Hasheem Thabeet (UConn)
The Bobcats decide to pair Emeka Okafor, who went to UConn and whose parents were from Nigeria (Africa), with Hasheem Thabeet, who also went to UConn and grew up in Tanzania (Africa). The duo goes on to block every single shot all other team shoot inside the paint.
13. Indiana Pacers: Jimmy Chitwood (Hickory High School)
Chitwood becomes the first player drafted straight out of high school since 2005. Of course, Chitwood hasn't played since guiding Hickory to the 1952 Indiana State High School Championship, so he more than meets the requirement of being out of high school for one year before entering the draft.
14. Phoenix Suns: Jermaine Anderson (Canada)
Looking for the future replacement of Steve Nash, Phoenix decides to go with another Canadian, Anderson, who played for Canada in the 2007 FIBA America's Championships
15. Detroit Pistons: DeJuan Blair (Pitt)
Feeling as though they don't already have enough undersized big men, the Pistons draft Blair and, in the words of fellow TBDS writer Luis, the women of Detroit scream "Ooohh DeJuan, you soo sexxiiiii!!!!!"
16. Chicago Bulls: Toney Douglas (FSU)
Gar Foreman sits around thinking, "We're losing our undersized two guard who is a really good scorer, who should we get to replace him?" He then comes to the conclusion of, "Hey, let's draft another undersized two guard, but one who isn't nearly as good a scorer as Ben and will probably be out of the league in five years.
17. Philadelphia 76ers: Statue of Liberty and St. Louis Arch
Tired of having a symbol of America that gets overlooked, the Sixers take both the Statue of Liberty and the St. Louis Arch, and proceed to destroy them in order to have the No. 1 symbol of America. "We have a bell, and it's cool because it has a crack!!!!!"
18. Minnesota T'Wolves: Jayson Williams (jail)
Tired of having the "Minnesota Nice" reputation, the T'Wolves decide to take a page out of Portland's old book and take it a step further, actually choosing a guy who's in jail, starting a trend of putting guys on the team with a bad reputation and adopting the name of the Minnesota JailWolves.
19. Atlanta Hawks: Jrue Holiday (UCLA)
Continuing their trend of choosing point guard busts in the draft, (see: Acie Law, Salim Stoudamire) the Hawks take Holiday, who is out of the league five years later.
20. Utah Jazz: Tyler Hansbrough (North Carolina)
Jerry Sloan needs another white guy! He must have white basketball players on his team. Tough, gritty, scrappy. All words that describe both Hansbrough and players that Sloan likes on his team. Also, these seem to be words that only describe white players ... hmm ...
21. New Orleans Hornets: A new mascot
Would they please give Charlotte it's Hornets mascot name back? The Hornets name came from the Revolutionary War when General Cornwallis referred to it as a "veritable nest of hornets" because of their resistance to the British. New Orleans thinks that because Utah stole their name and it doesn't make sense for them that they can do that to another franchise? Not cool.
22. Dallas Mavericks: Austin Daye (Gonzaga)
The Mavericks seem to enjoy their seven foot tall guys who can hit the 3-point shot, (see: Dirk Nowitzki) and while Daye falls just short at 6'11", I don't think they would mind that one inch. Dirk is at the end of his prime, and he needs another soft seven footer to mentor.
23. Sacramento Kings: Ricky Rubio (Spain)
Rubio gets what he has wanted since entering the draft and goes to a larger market in Sacramento, but unfortunately for him, it comes at pick No. 23, where he receives significantly less money.
24. Portland Trail Blazers: Mohandas Gandhi (Indian)
Still trying to shed the image of the "Jail Blazers" and trying to get someone as old as Greg Oden on the team, the Blazers take Gandhi, the pre-eminent spiritual leader of India.
25. Oklahoma City Thunder: "Sonics" nickname and green and yellow colors
Realizing that he has the city of Seattle down for the count, Clay decided to kick them while they're down and take the only thing they have left, the Sonics name and colors.
26. Chicago Bulls: Chase Budinger (Arizona)
Hmm ... Jordan Hill is still on the board. Hmm ... the Bulls don't have a post player who can score. So, they decide to take another shooter.
27. Memphis Grizzlies: DeMar DeRozan (USC)
The Grizzlies decide to make O.J. Mayo feel a little more comfortable and grab another USC guy. Too bad this one is a terrible shooter and will likely be an NBA bust.
28. Minnesota T'Wolves: James Harden (Arizona State)
He can shoot, he can take it to the rim and he can distribute. All things the T'Wolves need in a two guard. Oh, you say I'm supposed to be mocking this draft? My apologies.
29. L.A. Lakers: Pass
The Lakers decide they want to keep the same team intact, so they decide to not use their pick at all and save cap space in order to resign both Trevor Ariza and Lamar Odom.
30. Cleveland Cavs: Tim Carroll (Akron)
Realizing how well they did with one guy who was from Akron, (LeBron) the Cavs decide to take a 6'5 215 pound forward from Akron.