Drunk: The Only Way To Enjoy Chicago Baseball For The Next Three Days

Prediction: You'll be looking like that guy by the top of the third inning.

Chicago's baseball teams are good at being mediocre. With that said, it is hard to fathom enjoying a game that features only one hitter batting higher than .300 (A.J. Pierzynski, .303) and a slew of underachieving former All-Stars all while being sober.

That is why yours truly has invented The Cubs-Sox Drinking Game. As a warning, please enjoy responsibly. Do not drink if you are under the age of 21. Do not drink if you are pregnant or think you are pregnant. Do not attempt to operate machinery or a motor vehicle after drinking.

Proceed with caution.

One Drink

• Whenever you hear the term "Crosstown Classic"
• Whenever the Pierzynski/Barrett fight is brought up
• Whenever "picks to click" are mentioned
• Whenever you hear this overall series is tied
• Alfonso Soriano does his hop-catch routine
• Whenever an Alexei Ramirez swing-and-miss reminds you of a Soriano swing-and-miss
  
• Any mention of new Cubs hitting coach Von Joshua (double if it is mentioned he used to be the Sox hitting instructor)
  

Two Drinks

• Whenever you hear Len Kasper's home run call
• Whenever you hear Bob Brenly provides constructive criticism
• Whenever Steve Stone says "for all you little leaguers at home"
• A player from either team hits a home run
• Whenever Kosuke Fukudome spins in the batters box like a dancing queen
• Any reference about the NL not having a DH or not being allowed to play Jim Thome
  
• Whenever Ozzie Guillen argues with an umpire (double if he gets ejected)
  

Three Drinks

• Whenever you hear Hawk Harrelson's home run call
• Any reference to any player that played for the Cubs and the Sox
• References to Ozzie Guillen bashing Wrigley Field
• Anytime you see a sign that puts down the Cubs or the Sox
• Whenever Lou Piniella argues with an umpire (double if he gets ejected)
  

Finish Your Drink

• Whenever Hawk drops a Carl Yastrzemski reference
• Whenever Hawk complains about the umpiring
  
• Whenever the camera comes across a Cubs-Sox couple
• Whenever the White Sox's 2005 World Championship is mentioned
• Any reference to 'Go Cubs Go' (two drinks if the Cubs win)