You Got Power Rankings? I'll Show You Power Rankings!

You know what aggravates me? Tribune baseball columnist Phil Rogers. You know what aggravates me equally as much, if not more? His silly power rankings. (By the way, don't bother clicking on the link ... you'll want those 30 seconds you would waste back eventually.)

See, power rankings are dumb because they already exist: They're called "standings." So you want power rankings, Phil? Here are some power rankings for ya!

(Besides, I'm tired of writing the weekly update of Cubs need pitching ... or this week, hitting ... and that the White Sox to get young and fast. Shit gets boring after a while.)

1. Suspensions. Despite losing the team's best player due to a bedroom performance-enhancing drug suspension, the Dodgers still own baseball's best record. Joe Torre's bunch (except for Andre Ethier) has proven it can win without Manny. It's like when your starter girlfriend dumps you and two days later your making out with her super-hot best friend.

2. Going long. David Ortiz hit his first homer of the season on May 20. Congratulations, you still trail Ryan Theriot and now have as many homers as Carlos Zambrano.

3. A match-up between Matt Palmer and Micah Hoffpauir. Despite his impressive start, I am still trying to figure out why the national media is slurping the Angels' 30-year-old rookie the same way local Cubs fans slob on the knob of the Cubs' own Four-A ballplayer. I would love to see a matchup between these two if only to see someone's head explode.

4. Broken bat home runs. Mark Texeira took one out of the new Yankee Stadium after breaking his bat in half. The ball went about 10 rows deep into the left field bleachers. Wonder if Mark busted out a Triple Play Baseball cheat code for that one?

5. B-Jays. Despite a mild case of the Cubsies (commonly known as nursing a losing streak), Toronto girls got that Creighton Fever.

6. Missing third base. Ryan Church channeled his youth by doing something young men have done for years: Trying to score without touching third base.

7. The Mark DeRosa love fest. Seriously guys, he's gone and not coming back. And if you're missing his .254 average and .326 on-base percentage then it's time to find something else to care about.

8. Jake Peavy. Everyone wants him, but he's turning you down like the Prom Queen turns out that pimply faced kid who ends up turning into a billionaire.

9. Six days in Chicago. It hasn't been a good thing to be a Pittsburgh Pirate ... not since Barry Bonds (pre-BALCO) and Jim Leyland reigned supreme. But thanks to some quality scheduling, the Pirates get to spend six straight days in Chicago as they play the Cubs in a three-game set after just finishing up with the White Sox. When it's all said and done, the Pirates will have spent more time in Chicago this month than I have.

10. LeBron James. He's already saved Cleveland with a 3-point jump shot and could possibly save the Browns. Indians fans are curious if he's got two "plus" pitches so they can throw him in the bullpen as their closer.