Mocking The NBA Draft, Vol. 1

Oklahoma Sooners v Syracuse Orange

A long time ago, in a blogosphere far, far away, a young, up-and-coming sports blogger provided his thoughts on the upcoming NBA Draft. That post of insight and comedic relief helped springboard The Big Dead Sidebar, so I figure I'd bring back one of my favorite segments.

Void if without sarcasm.

1. Los Angeles Clippers - Blake Griffin, Oklahoma. It's all over but the crying. The consensus No. 1 pick will go from potential star to probable bust once he puts on a Clippers jersey. The good news, kid: You're going to L.A. The bad news: You're not playing with Kobe. Enjoy playing in front of Penny Marshall and 1,700 of her closest friends.

2. Memphis Grizzlies - Hasheem Thabeet, UConn. The people in Memphis are convinced Mike Conley Jr. is the point guard of the future. I'm convinced their spending more time on Beale Street than paying attention to their basketball team. At least Thabeet will provide a defensive presence to a team that last year couldn't grab a rebound if it was served to them on a platter.

3. Oklahoma City Thunder - Ricky Rubio, Spain. Think Rubio is regretting declaring for the NBA Draft? It will be a tough transition to go from a cultural gold mine like Spain to ... well ... Oklahoma. Ouch!

4. Sacramento Kings - James Harden, Arizona State. Poor Sacramento, they went from being on the verge of drafting Blake Griffin to draft lottery afterthought in a matter of moments. It's hard to write up something about a team that hasn't been relevant since Vlade Divac skipped town.

5. Washington Wizards - Jordan Hill, Arizona. The Wiz could have done a Bulls-like leap up the Eastern Conference standings had they landed the No. 1 pick and Blake Griffin. Instead, they will have to settle for the 6-foot-9-inch frontcourt thunder. How long before Hill and Agent Zero are exchanging love stories about Lute Olson?

6. Minnesota Timberwolves - Tyreke Evans, Memphis. Evans is versatile enough to fill one of the T-Wolves' two biggest holes, whether it be at point guard or at small forward. Too bad this pick will end up being traded to the Boston Celtics in exchange for Brian Scalabrene.

7. Golden State Warriors - Brandon Jennings, Greece. The Warriors have about $20 million locked up in their backcourt. Unfortunately, about $9 million will go to the albatross that is Jamal Crawford. Eh, screw it. It's time to bring back NellieBall by running four guard offenses on the road to respectability.

8. New York Knicks - Stephen Curry, Davidson. Step one in conning LeBron James into signing with the Knicks is by drafting his sharp-shooting, media darling of a pal. Besides, this move has been speculated before, so, it makes too much sense. And since it makes sense in the first place, expect the Knicks to go completely off the board with this one, probably drafting some Eurotrash.

9. Toronto Raptors - DeMar DeRozan, Southern California. The Raptors haven't had a legit shooting guard since Tracy McGrady wasn't a brittle boy and Vinsanity didn't play himself out of Canada. So it's time to draft DeRozan, who will say good bye to Song Girls and hello to Canadian League Football!

10. Milwaukee Bucks - Jonny Flynn, Syracuse. If I was TBDS NBA scribe Jeff, who would I want? A point guard that can distribute and play defense, and as I look down the Bucks roster, that guy does not exisist. Welcome to Milwaukee, Mr. Flynn, enjoy beer, brats and beerbrats.

11. New Jersey Nets - Earl Clark, Louisville. The Other Lopez Twin needs a frontcourt friend, preferably one that speaks English and isn't bad at basketball. Clark fits the bill here as a runner-jumper athletic specimen that Devin Harris can throw some alley-oops to.

12. Charlotte Bobcats - Wayne Ellington, North Carolina. You know what the Bobcats really need? A shooting guard. ... And another Tar Heel product. Ellington will save a buck or two in moving expenses thanks to fellow UNCers Larry Brown and Michael Jordan.

13. Indiana Pacers - Eric Maynor, Virginia Commonwealth. He slayed the Dukies and he came close to doing the same to UCLA. Maynor single-handedly put VCU on the map and helped parlay that success into Anthony Grant's first big job. He will fit in well with the Pacers, who haven't had a real point guard since the Mark Jackson Era.

14. Phoenix Suns - Ty Lawson, North Carolina. Sad, but true: Steve Nash isn't going to play forever. And the Suns really do need an heir apparent at the point, and unless the Suns have chryogenically frozen a Steve Nash clone, the choice here is the former Baby Blue Blur.

Stay tuned to The Big Dead Sidebar for more insight and draft projections as we get closer to that time. Besides, we're still in the first round of the NBA Playoffs right? That means there is plenty of time for the draft board to shuffle.