Why Your Team Won't Beat The Bears In The Super Bowl: Seattle Seahawks

Chicago Bears v Seattle Seahawks
In 2007, the Seahawks allowed Cedric Benson to score a rushing touchdown. He would then go on to score with girls on a boat.

Seattle doesn't have much going for it these days. Grunge is dead. Their baseball team (though 56-52) might as well be as it is as close to the first place Angels (9 games back) as it does to the last place A's (9 games up). And their basketball team is non-existent.

On top of that, they have to watch the Seattle Seahawks play football 16 times per season. And to make matters worse, I'm breaking some news in the Pacific Northwest.

Kurt Cobain is dead. And your Seattle Seahawks don't have a prayer against the eventual Super Bowl champion Chicago Bears.

1. Week 3: A West Coast banging Dr. Dre would be proud of. The Seahawks will get their shot at the Bears on Sept. 27 and should be riding the high after pounding the Rams in Week 1 and maybe sneaking a win past the up-and-coming 49ers. But then they have to face the Bears. Chicago should be coming off an Earth-moving victory against the defending champion Pittsburgh Steelers, but might find themselves looking forward to a Week 4 thrashing of the Detroit Lions. And what better than beating a bird as a pregame feast for dumping Detroit.

Prediction: Jay Cutler will throw for 457 yards and 3 touchdowns, and that is in between creating an enitrely new offense Ron Turner couldn't screw up.

2. T.J. Houshyourmamacuziaintyodaddy. Life is going to be different for "The Housh" in 2009. Matt Hasselbeck is no Carson Palmer, nor is he as cute as Elizabeth. Nate Burelson is no Chad Johnson Ochocinco.

And didn't you know? His Madden ranking is in the pooper, according to him. Stay away from this future fantasy flop.

3. Seattle's running game might give you the runs. Julius Jones. Justin Forsett. T.J. Duckett. This trio of running backs doesn't deserve a witty, well-written punchline.

4. Um, you got two guys named T.J. Won't that get confusing. Let the record show that no team in NFL history has won a Super Bowl with two guys named T.J. on the same roster.

Just saying.

5. Seattle: The cradle of depressed civilization. Let's think about it now, folks. Grunge is in the rearview mirror. So are the SuperSonics. So are the Mariners' best days -- like when Griffey, A-Rod and the Big Unit roamed the dome. The most exciting thing about the town might be its soccer team.

Oh, and maybe Starbucks.

But if you happen to get stuck with a Seattle Seahawk on your fantasy team it better be T.J. Houshmazilla. Yeah, I bashed him earlier, but look at the defenses he goes against this season. St. Louis (Weeks 1, 12), San Francisco (Weeks 2, 13), Jacksonville (Week 5), Arizona (Week 6), Detroit (Week 9), Minnesota (Week 12), Houston (Week 14), Green Bay (Week 16). All of these teams ranked below average against the pass. That's 13 of 16 opponents. Maybe "The Housh" made a half decent decision to play in Seattle after all -- of course -- you have to deal with the non-Pacman issued rain.

Tomorrow's runner-up to the 2010 Super Bowl Champion Bears: New York Jets


DKSB said...

First of all, let me state the obvious and say that the Seahawks won't beat the Bears in the Super Bowl BECAUSE BOTH TEAMS ARE IN THE NFC... Moving on:

Wow. Grunge jokes? Nice topical meter there. Why don't I retort with some jokes about The Blue Brothers? Oh, because that would be equally LAME.

About your week 3 prediction: HAHAHAHAHA. Seattle's defense will eat your emo QB ALIVE in his first career start at Qwest Field. His mascara will be running down his face in rivers. Go ahead and think that I'm just talking out of my ass, because you look at the Seahawks as a complete after-though. You'll learn a tough lesson in week 3, as the Bears run their all-time record against the Seahawks to a robust 3-8.

Hmm... another bunch of hackneyed disses of Seattle, which is the most educated and wealthy large city in the United States. Boo-hoo, sucks to be us!

I shouldn't even be giving you the extra traffic, but your outlook on the Seahawks is so lazy and ill informed and a response was necessary.

Anonymous said...

Pretty sure the author knows that the Seahawks are in the NFC, all of the posts for his NFL previews have been titled the same.

And what's wrong with grunge jokes and pokes at another city. The guy just wants to see his team on top and every other team suffer miserably. Doesn't Seattle own the market on songs written about suffering?

(Yeah, I'm getting in on the grunge jokes too!)

Obviously, DKSB is new to this site because almost every other post is dripping with sarcasm and punchlines. So maybe if you stick around you might see your least favorite team and city dissed and dismissed.

Come on, man. Lighten up!