Power Rankings: Where Your $30 Million Acquisition Currently Resides

Every week I come up with my own power rankings only because the ones done by others aren't interesting.

1. Newspapers. If newspapers are truly dying, does that mean Jay Mariotti is going to The Trib to save them?

2. Hackers. Twitter was knocked out for spurts and so was Facebook. Don't hackers have something better to do, like mess with the government?

3. Lawn Care. C'mon, Armanti Edwards. You should know by now that the best lawn care experts reside in the Midwest. Even Deadspin acknowledges us that.

4. Tom Gorzelanny. Mark Prior who? Maybe the Cubs can revive this former Pirate, too.

5. Old People. Thanks for taking this post in stride.

6. Duke. Because unlike Dookie V., I don't see how to justify Duke being in the Top 5 in anything.

7. NFL Previews. Still going strong with more Bears victims to be revealed throughout the week.

8. Milton Bradley. The $30 million man is batting .636/.692/.818/1.510 in three games in the No. 2 spot in the order after a 7-for-11 weekend against the Rockies in Colorado. Good idea by Lou Piniella to take advantage of that .401 OBP in front of the big boppers. I wish somebody would have thought of that sooner. Oh wait, we did. Not once, not twice, but three times!

9. Embarrassment. Once upon a time, the Blackhawks were an afterthought. But after a tumultuous offseason, I'm sure they wouldn't mind going back to that place.

10. The Cardinals. St. Louis-Arizona... have your fun while you can. The Cubs-Bears are coming, tra-la, tra-la!