Why Your Team Won't Beat Da Bears In The Super Bowl: The Cowardly Detroit Lions

Even PicApp refuses to acknowledge the Lions' existence.

Last season, the Detroit Lions became the first team in NFL history to lose each and every game of a 16-game schedule. This year, the Lions will attempt to repeat avoid that dubious feat.

The good news for the Lions is that they have a new coach, a new quarterback (whose GF has great cans) and even a new logo. The bad news for the Lions is that they play in Detroit and are still a franchise that hasn't fielded a winning season since 2000.

In more bad news for Detroit's footballers: they have to face Jay Cutler and the Chicago Bears ... twice!

And this is why the Cowardly Detroit Lions won't beat Da Bears once (let alone in the Super Bowl) this upcoming season.

1. Matt Stafford's road beef will distract Brian Urlacher only for so long. By now, everyone knows that the Bears' star middle linebacker goes through road beef like Charlie Weis goes through Italian Beef. And sure, Stafford's chick with the stellar rack might distract Urlacher for just a moment, but then again, there will be 10 other defenders ready to pound Stafford -- then her. Then her friends.

2. They don't have Jay Cutler. While Stafford might be the savior, he won't likely last long behind an offensive line that's got more holes than Britney Spears' fishnets. Neither will Daunte Stallworth Culpepper. Detroit's only hope is that GM or Ford can engineer Drew Henson and Drew Stanton into one serviceable quarterback named Drew Henstantson. But we know how their efforts have been doing as of late.

3. An early unforgiving schedule will make what's left of the fans in the Lions den migrate over to Joe Louis Arena to see what the Red Wings are doing. There isn't an easy game through the first six weeks of the season, and knowing the Lions, they'll find a way to lose during their bye week. They've got winnable games against St. Louis (Nov. 1), Seattle (Nov. 8) and Cleveland (Nov. 22). If they find themselves 0-15 by the time their second meeting with the Bears rolls around, expect Cutler to throw for at least 700 yards and five touchdowns.

4. Barry Sanders is still retired. That means scenes like this will be few and far between for Lions fans.

5. Detroit is just engineered to fail. The economy sucks. Fernando Rodney as a closer sucks. Rich Rod sucks. The only things that don't suck in Detroit are the Red Wings and Eminem (whose last album kinda sucked) -- both of which haven't been relevant to most of America since the early 2000s.

But if you happen to get stuck with a Detroit Lion on your fantasy team it better be wide receiver Calvin Johnson. Because owning Chris Hannon, Eric Fowler or Steve Sanders will help you clinch a record that might end up being worse thatn the Lions' by season's end.

Tomorrow's runner-up to the 2010 Super Bowl Champion Bears: St. Louis Rams.