Why Your Team Won't Beat Da Bears In The Super Bowl: The St. Louis Shams Rams

Last year, the Bears whooped on the Rams with Kyle Orton under center. Imagine what Jay Cutler could do...

Once upon a time, the St. Louis Rams (2-14 in 2008) were considered "The Greatest Show On Turf." Now, they are the biggest joke on the earth. Alright, maybe not, because that designation goes to the New York Mets. But I am convinced the Rams are the NFL's version of the Mets.

Like the Lions, they have a new coach. But since they have a lot of the same pieces of crap in place in 2009, they are more likely to battle it out with the Lions for the right to choose Tim Tebow No. 1 overall next year. Because that's what teams with joker front office types do, make bad decisions.

That's how they got here in the first place.

1. Marc Bulger will spend more time on his back than a Las Vegas hooker. Bulger has been sacked 142 times in the last three years and at some point, he has got to be thinking about a retirement plan or an escape plan. Either way, he's screwed. Torry Holt and Isaac Bruce are no longer targets to throw to. Options include Keenan Burton, Derek Stanley, Donnie Avery and Chad Lucas.

If I were Bulger, I'd rather throw to George Lucas and hope he can whip up some special effects and make the season in St. Louis not suck.

2. They have to play the Bears in the regular season -- outside. Dome teams hate playing outside and in the cold, which plays right into the hands of the eventual Super Bowl champion Chicago Bears, who will host the Rams on Dec. 6 at Soldier Field.

And since we all know St. Louisans are allergic to frigid temperatures, I won't be surprised when Cutler throws for 400 yards and three touchdowns in the first half and takes the rest of the game off while watching Matt Forte run for 300 yards and a couple of scores in the second half.

3. Leonard Little and Tony LaRussa walk into a bar. Which one is the designated driver? Tony or Leonard? If the Cards host a playoff game in October when Little and the Rams are in town, I'd stay as far away from St. Louis as I possibly could. Unless, of course, I was a cop looking to fill a quota.

4. The Nellyville/Rams connection. Anyone notice that the Rams haven't been good since Nelly put out his last good album. The Rams are 46-66 since Nellyville dropped. Coincidence? I think not!

5. The Curse That Of The Boers & Bernstein Show. Sick of Kurt Warner and his wife's act in 2001, WSCR sports radio hosts Terry Boers and Dan Bernstein called on some vodoo lady to put a hex on Warner, his wife and the Rams. Turns out, the Rams lost the Super Bowl to upstart New England, who since then has built a dynasty of sorts.

But if you happen to get stuck with a St. Louis Ram on your fantasy team it better be place kicker Josh Brown. What? You want me to put Steven Jackson in here? Maybe if I was building a team on my XBOX, but until he proves that he can stay healthy, I'll pass. Besides, Brown will kick in domes nine times this upcoming season. Kickers + Domes = Sleepers.

Tomorrow's runner-up to the 2010 Super Bowl Champion Bears: Kansas City Chiefs