Razor Shines Is My New Life Coach

Visit Razor Shines, my life coach, here.

I've been struggling with some things of late, but when Deadspin and The Sports Hernia picked this up, I had to put it to the test.

Here are a sampling of questions and answers.

• When I asked if he used steroids, he pulls out his phone and said "Sorry, I've got to update my Facebook status. Ask again later."
• When I asked whether or not Mike Vick should play he said, "No, absolutely not." and pumped his fist.
• When I asked if Brett Favre should be thrown off a cliff, he says he's getting a signal from the dugout ... and it said no. I take this with a grain of salt, seeing that the Mets miss signals (and bases) all the time.
• When I asked if I should pursue(name retracted) as my love interest, Shines responded, "No, quit chasing bad pitches."
• When I asked if I should pursue (different name retracted) as my love interest he said, "Woah, you're all over that pitch." I think that's a good thing.
• When I asked if I should pursue (third name retracted) as my love interest he said, "It's a fastball. Swing for the fences."
• When I asked if I should "Dirty 30" any one of the aforementioned girls he said "Absolutely" then waved his hand in the home run motion and said "It's outta here."
  

And, by the way, Razor Shines predicts SIU will win 20 games this year. Go Salukis!