Why Your Team Won't Beat The Bears In The Super Bowl: Kansas City Chefs Chiefs

Sports - October 07, 2007
These young ladies won't have much to cheer about if/when the Bears get their claws on the Chiefs

Last season, the Kansas City Chiefs struggled to get through a season in which it only won two games. One of which came against the Denver Broncos, who choked their ways out of a sure playoff bid. The other against the Oakland Raiders, who hope The Summer of Celebrity Deaths strikes Al Davis sooner rather than later.

But these aren't last year's Chiefs. Like the Bears' first two victims, Kansas City has a new head coach ... and also has a new quarterback and offensive systems. Sounds great, but Kansas City also still has the Royals.

Sometimes you win. Other times you lose. Hey, at least you've still got BBQ right.

But in the end, since Matt Cassel can't hold Jay Cutler's jock strap, the Chiefs have no shot at beating the Bears at a game of 21 if they stayed at 20 -- let alone the Super Bowl.

1. Matt Cassel has no friends. Upon arriving in Kansas City, Cassel learned that his best pass-catching target was being shipped off to Atlanta to catch balls from Michael Vick Matt Ryan. In exchange, the Chiefs will find a way to not replentish that lost weaponry until next year's NFL Draft. No longer does Cassel have Randy Moss and Wes Welker to help him out. Instead, he is stuck with Dwayne Bowe and Mark Bradley.

The good news for Cassel is that he won't have to deal with Bradley for long as he is scheduled to have a season-ending injury any day now.

2. Calling it an unfavorable schedule would be saying it nicely. If the Chiefs didn't play in the AFC West, they would only have two winnable games: Weeks 15 and 16 against Cincinnati and Cleveland, respectively. But since they play in the same division as the Raiders, I can see this team winning at least four games this season.

Doubling your win total from the year before is cool in general, but not when last season's win total is two.

3. Defense is offensive. The Chiefs have seven opponents whose quarterbacks don't suck -- but aren't as good as Jay Cutler. When Travis Daniels is your shutdown corner, you know that as a Chiefs fan you'll be swilling a lot of Jack Daniels.

Zach Thomas could be productive if you remind him that former teammate Jason Taylor is banging his sister.

4. Larry Johnson will retire to pursue his true dreams. It won't be long until the NFL's Grandmama will try his hand on the hardwood in an attempt to be the second best Larry Johnson to ever lace 'em up. My money is on the Knicks shelling out a boatload of money for his services.

Just a hunch.

5. Want 'razzle dazzle'? I got it for ya! Back in the day, the Bears had an offensive coordinator named Gary Crowton who unleased an offensive onslaught against the Chiefs which rivaled something you would have seen straight out of Madden. Then-head coach Gunther Cunningham, who was one of the runner-ups to eventual head coach Dick Jauron, had this to say about the performance.

"They play razzle-dazzle football. After you get used to it once, after you see it on film once a game is played like this, now you know what they're all about. It's not confusing."

He was right, then, but he'd be hardpressed to stop a real quarterback.

But if you happen to get stuck with a Kansas City Chief on your fantasy team it better be back-up quarterback Tyler Thigpen. You know, just in case "something happens" to Matt Cassel. And by "something" I mean the eventual season-ending concussion he'll suffer when he realizes he has an offensive line that is allergic to protecting the quarterback.

Tomorrow's runner-up to the 2010 Super Bowl Champion Bears: Seattle Seahawks