Who's Burning Detroit? WBD3.0

[Editor's Note]: Last year, Scott Mieszala served as my Assistant Sports Editor before I went all Dusty Baker on him and burned him out midway through the semester.  Still, Scott presented his highly regarded weekly columns.  The fact that he is without a job while scabs such as Rick Morrissey and Chris DeLuca are still employed is a sad.  Someone, hire him.  With that said, here he is with a new rendition of his award-winning column, "Who's Burning Detroit?"

So, who will it be this week?  Find out after the jump.

I have to be honest, I was beginning to doubt the ability of “Who’s Burning Detroit?” to produce a good fantasy output from a receiver who is almost definitely available in any given fantasy league. It wasn’t due to the Lions shoring up their secondary or beefing up their pass rush. I think they just approach those problems like I approach my own problems: by drinking heavily. Obviously, getting piss-drunk isn’t conducive to fielding a good football team. Well, maybe in Australian rules football it is, but it could also be mandated. I’m not sure. I’ll have to check into that.

Also, I’m tired of typing out the entire phrase of “Who’s Burning Detroit?”. From now on, it’s WBD, and I’m omitting the question mark from the acronym so Word doesn’t automatically capitalize the first letter of the next word.

I had placed WBD on double secret probation after the Bears game, when I noticed the device hadn’t been successful since Week 1 against the Saints. I indicated this with my few ideas that couldn’t become regular features, for various reasons. For instance, “Who’s JaMarcus Russell Overthrowing on a Deep Route This Week?” can’t work because the acronym WJRODRTW is too long, and he’s going to be benched soon anyway. Right? I mean, only a crazy person would keep playing him … right, Al Davis. Sorry.

The point is I really had no other ideas. I also don’t want to end up giving a title to every obvious indicator of fantasy success. If it seems like I’ve come to loathe WBD like that guy in “Surrogates” came to rue his own invention of the surrogates, well, I’ll just say that my own operation to secretly take down WBD is already underway.

Uh oh, I fear I’ve said too much.

Mike Wallace was clutch saved WBD last week by doing exactly what I predicted when I wrote, “So if I’m right, will Mike Wallace coming through with a touchdown and at least 50 receiving yards make me feel better?” He scored on a 47-yard touchdown catch, and added another 5 yards to get to 52 and a touchdown. Pretty good, huh? It will take a few weeks to get WBD removed from double secret probation, but Wallace pulled it out from under the guillotine with that one catch.

Yeah, that’s right, a guillotine. Like from the French Revolution. Where do you think double secret probation originated? Back then, people were placed on double secret probation, and if they violated that, it was to the guillotine for them. I should know, I was a history minor in college.

The Lions play the Packers Sunday, and this week you get a special 2-for-1 deal. This week, I would suggest picking up Jordy Nelson and tight end Jermichael Finley. Both caught a touchdown from Aaron Rodgers in Week 4 against the Vikings, and Finley had an especially good game with 128 yards. The Lions’ poor pass defense isn’t any better suited to defending tight ends, and Nelson is owned in only 18 percent of Yahoo! leagues, so there you go. Once again, WBD really is wonderful. Only with it can you get the suggestion to start someone named Jordy on your fantasy team.

Which is exactly why it needs to be destroyed. (The wheels are in motion. You can’t stop my plan to destroy WBD now. I predict it will take 10 or 11 weeks minimum until it is complete.)