Who's Burning Detroit?

Fire flames


[Editor's Note]: Last year, Scott Mieszala served as my Assistant Sports Editor before I went all Dusty Baker on him and burned him out midway through the semester.  Still, Scott presented his highly regarded weekly columns.  The fact that he is without a job while scabs such as Rick Morrissey and Chris DeLuca are still employed is a sad.  Someone, hire him.  With that said, here he is with a new rendition of his award-winning column, "Who's Burning Detroit?"

So, who will it be this week?  Find out after the jump.

So if you adhered to the suggestions of last week’s installment of Who’s Burning Detroit?, you might be a little mad at me. Earl Bennett ended up as the Bears’ leading receiver with 32 yards, and Johnny Knox went for one yard less. If you are mad at me, though, get in line. I also suggested to El Ludameister that he start Darren McFadden. It doesn’t matter in place of whom. Let’s just forget about it, OK?

Luckily, that dilemma won’t arise again for another 2-4 weeks while McFadden recovers from surgery. What I find funny, though, is injured/inactive Darren McFadden will only be outscored by healthy/active Week 4 Darren McFadden by 0.2 points. I think the Raiders do things like complain about Rich Gannon announcing their games only to distract from things like this or the similarities between Al Davis and Mr. Burns in the episode where he ran the casino. It’s too easy to imagine Davis wearing Kleenex boxes on his feet or pointing a gun at Tom Cable and telling him to hop into a model airplane. And, somehow, these things aren’t as crazy as the contract he actually signed Javon Walker to. I think I read somewhere after he signed Walker to that insanely idiotic contract that Davis said, “Nothing can stop me now … except microscopic germs.”

Anyway, when I was asked if I wanted to do Who’s Burning Detroit? again this week, I thought about it for all of 2 seconds before I decided yes, yes I do. Turning down an opportunity to make fun of the Lions goes against the entire spirit of Who’s Burning Detroit?. Watching the Tigers choke away the AL Central to the Twins only inspired me further, since this season reminded me of the episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” where Larry David given a $50 bill from the sock of a friend who was out jogging when they ran into each other -- Larry keeps trying to get rid of the bill, but nobody will accept it.

In this case, the Tigers were Larry and the AL Central was the $50 bill. I’m just glad the Tigers allowed the AL Central to remain a Twins-White Sox division, even if after Tuesday’s game I was just annoyed watching the Twins celebrate, imagining how things could have been different if that line drive hadn’t hit Jake Peavy in the elbow in his final rehab start. Whatever.


Who’s Burning Detroit? is a little more difficult this week because the Lions play the Steelers, whose top two targets are certainly owned in your fantasy league unless you somehow joined a league made up entirely of monkeys. (Yeah, I’ve used that one before. So what? Find the other instance I used it and you get a prize.*) That’s OK, though. Because this week Who’s Burning Detroit? brings to you someone who I can almost guarantee is available in your league.

I present to you Mike Wallace. He is the Steelers’ No. 3 wideout and a third-round draft choice this year out of Ole Miss. Now this guy is exactly who Who’s Burning Detroit? is all about. He fits the criteria of only being owned in fantasy leagues his parents participate in. He already had a 100-yard game two weeks ago against the Bengals, but he probably only has one or two more good games in him this season, and this matchup against the Lions is one of them. So go ahead and pick up Wallace if you need a bye-week replacement or are giving thought to starting some other marginal fantasy wide receiver.


So if I’m right, will Mike Wallace coming through with a touchdown and at least 50 receiving yards make me feel better? Yes, as will the Twins inevitably being swept by the Yankees. Though I am disappointed the Twins left Jeff Manship off the postseason roster. I just like his name – he sounds like a character from “Anchorman.” Which explains why I have this urge to take Jeff Manship’s mother out to a nice seafood dinner, and never call her again.

But if Who’s Burning Detroit? fails again this week, well, I have other ideas. I was fortunate enough to start the 49ers defense for its ridiculous game against the Rams, so maybe we’ll switch this to Who’s Ramming the Rams?. Or we could go with something like Who’s JaMarcus Russell Overthrowing on a Deep Route This Week?. Or we could just turn this into a support group for owners of Matt Forte with the way things are going. The possibilities are endless.

*You will not get a prize.

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