Only one guy received an "A" according to my grading scale. (Hint: It's the guy in the picture above.)
Geovanny Soto, catcher, F -- Not only did you post a .218/.321/.381/.702 line, which helped cripple what was already a hampered and hamstrung Cubs offense, you failed to pass the doobie to the left. Shame on you, Geo.
Derrek Lee, first base, A -- D-Lee's 2009 season resembled my collegiate career. Slow start after a massive hangover followed by a big finish. Lee overcame a .189/.253/.284/.537 start to post a .325/.414/.624/1.039 line after April 30. And you thought Micah Hoffpauir was going to be the answer...
Mike Fontenot, second base, F -- You're short, you're a tease and you're bad at baseball. Those are not only reasons you should not come back and play for the Cubs in 2010, but they are reasons I got yelled at by a fellow Cubs fan because I pointed them out. Either grow, get better at baseball or go back to Louisiana. Got it?
Ryan Theriot, shortstop, C+ -- You're walks went down and strikeouts went up. This summer, I hope someone sits you down in front of a hypnotist who will get paid an boatload of money just to remind you that you are not a f****** power hitter. Steal more bases, get caught less times. And quit overthrowing the 6-foot-6 inch first baseman!
Aramis Ramirez, third base, Incomplete -- A full season of A-Ram at third would have yielded a 28 home run, 128 RBI season. Too bad you hurt yourself trying so damn hard to show that you actually do care about baseball. Now hopefully those toolbags that have knocked you in the past will find someone else to hang in an effigy.
Alfonso Soriano, left field, D -- You carried the team in April (7 HRs, 14 RBIs, .955 OPS) and in July (5 HRs, 16 RBIs, .992 OPS) but it wasn't enough as you hit .185 in the other four months of baseball. Go back to 2006, figure out what you did to be that guy, come back in 2010 and be that guy. Hit 30 bombs and swipe 30 bags next season and maybe you won't get booed so mercilessly when you drop a routine pop up.
Kosuke Fukudome, center field, C+ -- Congrats, Fuku. You avoided a complete second-half meltdown. I'm quite pleased with the .796 OPS and ..375 OBP you posted this season, but the .257 batting average is unacceptable. Neither is your .248 average from May through October.
Milton Bradley, right field, D -- I could take the easy way out and give you an "F" but I won't. In July in August you hit .291 with a .452 OBP and .894 OPS. But for the rest of the season you posted a .213/.321/.339/.660 line. And then you went batsh*t crazy. Tell your mom I'll be home for supper, trick.
Jeff Baker, infielder, B -- Nothing wrong with the .305/.362/.448/.810 line you posted since joining the Cubs on July 2. You're like a cheaper, younger Mark DeRosa. Now, if you work on that stubble, you'll become a fan favorite in no time.
Jake Fox, utility, C+ -- You kind of disappeared in the last month of baseball. You'd be the perfect American League all-hit, no-glove player. Too bad the Cubs are still in the National League. Have fun in whatever AL city you get traded to.
Micah Hoffpauir, first base/outfield, C -- You allowed Cubs fans to actually think you were better than Derrek Lee. I'm glad you struggled down the stretch because now I don't have to hear Cubs fans suggest that you should be in a first base platoon with Jake Fox. It's just stupid columnists who make that suggestion that I'll have to deal with.
Reed Johnson, outfielder, Incomplete -- Johnson might be the only active player in baseball that could turn a 15-day DL stint into a two-month ordeal. The only other player that could do that was Mark Prior.
Aaron Miles, infielder, F -- .185/.224/.242/.446 line in 2009 says it all.
Andres Blanco, infielder, B -- Unlike Aaron Miles, you didn't suck at being a no-hit, all-glove reserve infielder. In fact, you actually hit above the Mendoza line. Congrats, Andy White.
Bobby Scales, utility, C -- Unlike Aaron Miles, you didn't suck at being a no-hit, all-glove reserve
Sam Fuld, outfielder, C+ -- I'd like to see a larger sample size (no homo) if you're going to be handed the everyday job in center field. The Cubs shouldn't waste millions on a fourth outfielder when they already have one for a fraction of the cost.
Koyie Hill, catcher, D+ -- Offensively, you continued to suck. Defensively, you deserve a parade for starting so many games in a row. Quit sucking at the plate and I'll be really happy with you.
Joey Gathright, outfielder, F -- Even M.C. Hammer thought spending $800,000 on you was a bad investment.
Ryan Freel, utility, F -- Statistically, you were worse than Gathright.
Tyler Colvin, outfield, Incomplete -- Calling you up for 20 plate appearances was stupid. Absolutely dumb. I hope you don't suck, because the Cubs passed on Kyle Drabek, Daniel Bard, Joba Chamberlain and Chris Perez just to draft you.