Football! Football! Football!

 

Brady is back bitch!

It's been a long, treacherous voyage this offseason.  We've suffered through tragedy, triumph and bad baseball.  But we're here.  Finally.  It's opening night for the NFL.

Today will be dedicated solely to National Football League, unless Allen Iverson talks to God again and backs out of his deal with Memphis because He was having second thoughts.

Here is where I'll apologize for not finishing the NFL Preview guide.  Next year, I'll do a better job of not sucking.  Also, here is where I make up for it by spouting off with venom-filled sentences of why your team sucks and won't win the Super Bowl.

 

Oh, don't give me that look, Mr. Merriman.

• Jacksonville: The more touches Mo-Jo-Drew gets, the less productive he's been.  Fred Taylor is gone and Tony Boselli never developed the way you wanted him to, did he?  Oh well.  He was always productive in Madden except for the one time he got injured even though I had turned injuries off.
• Green Bay: The Packers switched to a 3-4 defense and had its offense clicking on all cylinders this preseason.  Based on that, Doug Gottlieb has you winning the Super Bowl this season.  Are you erally excited that a college basketball expert has pegged your team to be the NFL champs?  I wouldn't be.
• San Francisco: The 49ers two quarterbacks don't measure up to one good quarterback.  Frank Gore can't do it all, but for the sake of my fantasy team, he better.
• Buffalo: I've got Trent Edwards starting in Week 5 while Jay Cutler rests his arm.  I just need one week out of you Edwards, so here's hoping T.O. doesn't turn that team to a train wreck.
• Denver: The Broncos' QB is no longer Jay Cutler. Instead it is a neckbeardless Captain Neckbeard.  You good folks have fun with that.
• Washington: The Nationals suck. The Wizards suck. The Capitals choked when they needed a win the most. My President Is Black ... and so is the QB ... for now.
• New Orleans:  Sean Payton's kid is working on a movie based on an XBOX game.  Script experts realized it was a fictional piece when the script had the Saints making tackles and playing defense.
• Houston: The chic pick for NFL experts.  Ask guys on the Texans, and they'll tell you that if it weren't for Andre Johnson, they'd give the Lions a run for their money -- of course that's assuming William Clay Ford hasn't blown it on Detroit's other floundering franchise.
• San Diego: If Merriman hit ball carriers and quarterbacks like he (allegedly) did to Tila Tequila, the Chargers would be a Super Bowl contender.
• Tampa Bay: You're not winning jack when your first-round pick is buried in the the depth chart.
• Philadelphia: Good news: Mike Vick will be a distraction to defenders. Bad news: Mike Vick will be a distraction to his teammates.
• Carolina: Football in Carolina is just an appetizer until Tar Heels basketball resumes.
  
• Cleveland: The Browns had to choose between an Oregon State Beaver and a Notre Dame Fighting Irish for the team's starting quarterback. I usually side with beaver.  But that's just me.
• Minnesota: They've got Brett Favre as their quarterback.  Too bad it's not Favre from 1997.
• Baltimore: I'd say something mean about Ray Lewis, but...
• Atlanta: Have you seen the Falcons' schedule.  They'll be lucky to break even in 2009.
• Indianapolis: Tony Dungy has spent more time mentoring Mike Vick than Peyton Manning. That can't be good for the Colts' chances.
• New York Giants: I won't say anything bad about Brandon Jacobs -- mostly because he's a Saluki -- but I will say bad things about an offense whose best wide receiver is in priosn.
• Arizona: It's the Cardinals. Can you imagine them being in the Super Bowl back-to-back years?  That's more of a stretch than the Cubs winning a playoff game.
• Tennessee: Things from Tennessee that don't suck: Justin Timberlake, Young Buck, Memphis BBQ. Things from Tennessee that do suck: Criminals, having your car busted into, the Titans.
• Pittsburgh:  I have several close friends/acquaintances that are Steelers fans.  That doesn't mean they're getting off scot-free.  They want to assume the Titletown mantra after winning the Super Bowl and Stanley Cup this season, but you cannot have that title if your team doesn't have a professional basketball or baseball team.  And no, the Pirates don't count.
• New England: The Bears will meet the Patriots in the Super Bowl, however, Tom Brady will miss the game. Not because of injury, but because he'll be so busy with his special lady friend, he'll forget the big game even exists.