TBDS Late Night Returns To Present: The Sky Is Falling Over Wrigleyville...

She'll make everything feel better, won't she? (via this site)

Call your friends. Call your neighbors. Call your parents. Call your sons and daughters, too. Heck, give them that child support check you've been meaning to give them for the last 18 years.

The Chicago Cubs are down 6-0 to the Colorado Rockies and are in danger of falling three (!) games behind the NL Central leading St. Louis Cardinals.

It's time to board up the house, stock up on canned goods and bottled water. Let's go hunker down in the basement until the coast is clear.

Cubs fans, allow me to be the voice of reason that is dying to escape your soul but instead gets intimidated by tales of goats, black cats and fans wearing headphones.

Of the next 20 games the Cubs will play, 13 will come against teams that are under .500. Want another lucky 13 you superstitious sonsofbitches? The Cubs will play 13 home games in that span, 10 of which will come against teams that are below the break-even point as of press time.

When September rolls around, 11 of the first 12 games the Cubs will play will be against the Astros, Mets, Pirates and Reds. Each of those teams ... you guessed it ... below the .500 mark.

In 2007, the Cubs were 8.5 games behind first place Milwaukee on June 23. They also had a season-long seven-game losing streak from May 27 to June 2.

Cubs fans, you act like you haven't seen your team with their backs against the wall. You also act like the 1927 Yankees are ahead of you. Contrary to popular belief, Albert Pujols is human. So is Matt Holliday. As is Adam Wainwright, Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainwright.

And it's not like Tony LaRussa hasn't ever made a mistake in his life. Ever.

Young scribe SalukiOrphan detailed five reasons why the Cardinals would win the NL Central. He made good points until:

The Cardinals have one of the most storied histories in Major League Baseball. They have 10 World Series Titles (would be 11 if not for Don Denkinger), most in National League history and second only to the New York Yankees, who have 26. The Cubs have a lot of history as well, unfortunately for them most of it goes against their favor. Chicago has been brought down with everything from goats to cats to guys named Bartman. The Cardinals also have 17 NL pennants and 10 division titles (seven NL Central, three NL East), while the cubs have 16 NL pennants (none since 1945) and five division titles (three NL Central, two NL East).

Not sure what the past has to do with the 2009 season. But if that is helping make decisions and projections around here, then by that logic, I like the Cubs' chances (19,870 wins in franchise history) more than I like the Cardinals' (19,464).

But it's not about that. See, that little nugget section is a little sample of hypocrisy.

See, the SalukiOrphan rails on the Cubs and their fans for using the team's past an excuse for its failures. Yet, conveniently, the Orphan uses it to show why the Cards will win the division. I guess I shouldn't expect anything more than lazy blogging from a Cardinals fan. That's the kind of lazy blogging that grinds my gears. Especially when it is coming from the same fan base that will lustily boo Manny "The Cheater" Ramirez, but then will give a slurping standing ovation to Rick Ankiel and Ryan Franklin.

My fellow Cubs fans, it's time to take a chill pill. Everything is gonna be OK. More tomorrow on Jay Mariotti, The List and another NFL Preview. Go to sleep now, kiddies. The sun will rise tomorrow.

TBDS Late Night: The Dirty 30 Chronicles Return

"...And that's how I nailed Kate Hudson before A-Rod."

It's been a while since The Dirty 30 Chronicles had some fresh fodder for the folks out there. Last we heard of The Dirty One, he was batting .226 1.000 and roofying inspiring Joe Girardi and the New York Yankees.

Dirty 30 had an active offseason that included everything from being A-Rod's wingman to orchestrating a trade out of Chicago with some help from his good pal, Dirty 30 Juice. And according to my super slueths, I've got it on good authority that under the cover of night, Dirty 30 was able to strike again.

And with Dirty 30 back in Chicago for a four-game set that will surely include some post-game action, it's time to go to the vault.

"i heard Hawk's wife filed for divorce last week crazy (stuff). apparently, mark buehrle's perfect game gave him an orgasm he hasn't felt since he met carl yastrzemski at that club the same night he got roofied by nick swisher. buehrle won't go on the record, but he told me "Hawk told me he wanted to (perform an oral favor), but didn't call no homo. Now I gotta slap a restraining order on him. good thing swisher aint still on the team, or hawk mighta borrowed some pill. that's part of the reason he got traded. he slipped buehrle something and hawk and swish tag-teamed. i heard kenny williams caught em in the locker room and was jealous that he didn't get the invite."

Not sure what to make of any of this. But I wouldn't be surprised if something wasn't slipped into Jim Hendry's drink when he re-signed Ryan Dempster to a four-year, $52 million contract.

The conversation probably went something like this:

AGENT: Hi, Jim. My client Mr. Dempster is coming off an outstanding year in which he won 17 games, pitched 200 innings and appeared in the All Star Game. He also was your Game One starter.
HENDRY: Well, that's great. But Mr. Dempster hasn't pitched 200 innings in back-to-back years since 2000-02. In his two previous years with the Cubs, he didn't even rack up 200 innings in relief. His record going into next year will be 76-81. And while he's coming off a career year, he choked it up big time in Game One.
(Hendry begins coughing, choking after engulfing two dozen double-glazed donuts)
AGENT (handing Hendry an unmarked bottle): I want you to drink this, it'll make everything better.
HENDRY (grabs bottle and takes a swig): Oh, wow! What is this?
AGENT (removes mask and reveals himself as Dirty 30): It's Dirty 30 Juice. Now, let's talk about an extension for Mr. Dempster.
HENDRY: Here's a blank check for a four-year deal.
DIRTY 30: Even when I'm not in the batters box, I'm battin' 1.000. (Winks.)

It wasn't long after that when Dirty 30 put on his favorite love jams.

Mood Muzak from jeff on Vimeo.

TBDS Late Night: The Buried Lead Part II Takes You To Bed

What Crazy Uncle Milton would do to Steve Rosenbloom if he had a chance.

If I were to come up with the concept of a sports blog today, rather than a little more than a year ago, I probably would call it "Bashing Milton Bradley" because that seems like the easiest thing to do in to do.

So easy, a Cards fan can do it. Easier than Sunday morning. Easier than getting into Upper Iowa University. Easier thank the sorority skank sitting at the end of the bar gulping down her eighth, ninth and tenth Long Island.

You can add Tribune blogger/glorified columnist/former sports radio host Steve Rosenbloom to the list of those who took the easy road to writing a column/blog. Lost in the outrage over Bradley's cynical comments was this tidbit that was oh-so-easy to ignore because it made too much sense.

"It's nice, but I don't think we're going to get any nicer articles written about us. But we're in first place, so you can't find a negative in that."

Translation from the eyes of someone not looking to use Crazy Uncle Milton as a jump-off: "First place is nice, but it's July 26, not September 26."

Also, take note the different lead ins between the columnist and the beat writer. You know, the guy who follows the team religiously.

Paul Sullivan, respected beat writer:

"A crowd of 41,528 seemed to enjoy the fact the Cubs overcame a lot of adversity to get to the top spot, though some, like (Milton) Bradley, downplayed the accomplishment."

Steve Rosenbloom, columnist:

"As usual with the guy whose motto must be “Surly to bed, surly to rise," Bradley offered some comments on sweeping Dusty Baker’s typically bad team and jumping over the dreaded Cardinals..."

Then he followed with:

"Here’s a tip, pal: Nice articles are easier to come by when you don’t sound like a self-pitying brat. Just saying."

It doesn't take a baseball connoisseur to figure out that Rosenbloom's column is slanted more than a weigh scale that has Bartolo Colon on one side and Alexei Ramirez on the other.

Then there was this quote, that instantly made me stand applaud Milton Bradley for something that had to do nothing with on the field stuff.

"Are we going to stop getting bashed by everybody, articles about our lineup and how it was better last year and all that garbage. Last year's team is sitting at home, just like everyone else. There's just one champion."

Translation: "There's no point of popping too much wood at the sight of being in first place in July when there's still two-and-a-half months of baseball to be played."

Look, if you want to be happy with being in first place in the middle of July, then you can join the "It's Gonna Happen" guy, the Can The Cubs Mend My Heart Guy and all those stupid attention-seeking whores in a circle jerk. Don't get me wrong, division titles are nice. Winning a baseball division title means you have to be better than five other teams for the majority of a 162 game schedule. Think about how hard that is, numbers wise.

Cubs fans, you should always remember that your beloved Mark DeRosa didn't lead the Cubs to a World Series. Heck, in two years, he couldn't help the team win one game. So, does that mean if Bradley is a part of a Cubs team that wins one measley playoff game (a feat that hasn't been reached on the North Side since 2003) -- does that make him a savior?

Probably not. It will likely take a walk-off home run in each and every game of the playoffs for Cubs fans to side with Bradley.

Until then, Crazy Uncle Milton has the right to go batshit crazy upside the head of Rosenbloom or any other dumb columnist looking to get off easy on a column.

TBDS Late Night: I Won't Let Billy Beane's Star Fade

I got this pushed across my path toward the end of the work day, so what I had originally planned on writing about got pushed back to a later date. Why? Because I must defend Billy Beane.

And despite this glowing piece on ESPN (via @MoneyballMovie) the Oakland A's general manager has lost one of his biggest fans, ESPN's Rob Neyer, who had some not-so-nice things to say in the aftermath of the Matt Holliday trade.

"If the A's made a trade like this two years ago, I would have organized a parade to celebrate Billy Beane's great wisdom.

Today? I just can't do it. Instead of seeing three prospects obtained for a song, I wonder why the A's would want a "pear-shaped" third baseman who doesn't have much power and is widely thought to be a future first baseman, and I think about what a disaster Oakland's last first-baseman-of-the-future (Daric Barton) has been. Instead of applauding Beane for adding to the organization's pitching depth, I wonder what the A's -- who already have eight starting pitchers 25 or younger -- could possibly do with another young starter. And I wonder how Peterson's going to succeed where Ryan Sweeney and Travis Buck and Aaron Cunningham haven't."

This is me admitting something I don't want to admit. The original Moneyball concept is dead. The secret is out. OBP. OPS. Bill James' wisdom. All of it. Dead.

It's like befriending that one average looking young lady friend when she was "just alright" and your friends would have laughed at you had you actually dated her. Then she got hot overnight, and yeah, you two fooled around. Heck, you were the talk of the town. Then she left you and has been gettin' her freak on all around town. Now she's used goods and you're old news.

However, there is still hope for the underlying theme of the concept. Hoarding (and developing) young talent.

Oakland can't compete with the big boys because they cannot afford the price to keep the Hollidays of the world long enough. So they stockpile prospects instead. And if enough prospects flourish, then you have a winning cycle. It's a shame that Beane's genius is being wasted for an ownership group that wouldn't spend a penny to make a dollar.

Oftentimes, I've called for Beane to be the next Cubs GM once a real owner heads into town. Not based on my man crush on Beane, my love of the Michael Lewis best-seller or the movie that is coming out that will star Brad Pitt as the Outback Steakhouse waitress slaying, smooth-talking smoother criminal.

I've wanted Beane to come to Chicago and develop a farm system so the Cubs can be a real team.

Since 1998, when Beane became Oakland's GM, the A's have developed more home grown talent than the Cubs have. Then, the home grown talent gets turned into someone else's overlooked young talent.

Imagine had the following pitching staff been able to stay healthy and in tact: Dan Haren, Rich Harden, Tim Hudson, Mark Mulder, Barry Zito.

Or if Oakland had the loot to keep Jason Giambi, Miguel Tejada, Johnny Damon, Jermaine Dye and Nick Swisher around.

If Oakland's owners had Bill Gates money, the West Coast baseball scene would be poppin' like Tupac's California Love video. Instead, the Oakland baseball soundtrack plays like an old blues record.

TBDS Late Night: The Cubs' Coffers Have Gone Dry

Apparently, Jim Hendry was still drunk when he signed Milton Bradley.

At 49-45, the Chicago Cubs are reminding me of a simpler time in my life. A time in which mediocre Cubs baseball reigned supreme and while there was help to be had in the open market, it never came to Chicago.

It is apparent to me that the Cubs have returned to their roots as a small market team.

Say what?

That was a hard sentence to write, especially after the spending sprees that landed Alfonso Soriano, Ted Lilly and Kosuke Fukudome. Chicago has followed an offseason that featured overpaying for Ryan Dempster and Milton Bradley, and totally missing the boat on Bobby Abreu, Adam Dunn and Raul Ibanez by watching the two teams they're battling for NL Central supremacy make moves that help their respective teams.

Felipe Lopez to the Brewers and Mark DeRosa to the Cardinals are good moves because their addition allows their manager to utilize their versatility. But the Matt Holliday deal is the one that sparks the fire. Yes, he replaces the power productivity the Redbirds expected out of third baseman Troy Glaus, but his acquisition gives the Cardinals a boost that hasn't been around since Mark McGwire left town.

Except this time, that boost is legal.

It's hard for me to believe that the Cubs are crying poor. Every member of management has said that payroll won't hold the Cubs back from contending. Forever, Cubs fans were told the Cubs were run seperately from the Tribune Co. that owned them.

The Cubs rank in the top five in TV revenue, merchandising revenue, advertising revenue and sell out every frickin' ball game. So, how come there isn't money in the bank to bring on something more than a John Baker onto this squad?

Simply put, the Cubs' free-wheeling ways was just a mirage. It sold tickets. It won games. It made headlines. It made money. It didn't matter that the Cubs were finally relevant again ... and not because of a one-man show or an all-time great announcer. Cubs fans were finally rewarded for 20+ years of Tribune Co. futility with a good product on the field.

So, right now, I'll ask the Cubs to make a decision. You can either act like one of the big boys, or you can take your money, pocket it and leave me and Cubdom alone.

There is no reason for the team in the third largest market to be acting like a second-rate city like Milwaukee or St. Louis. Sorry, that doesn't cut it with me. Nor should it fly with my fellow Cubs fans.

Here is your dosage of quality linkage:

• Ben Roethlishotdog got himself in some doo-doo. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Kobe doin' work on some kid in the Phillipines. [With Leather]
• Barry Bonds throwback video. Pre-bobble head days. [You Been Blinded]
• Was the Erin Andrews video an inside job? [SportsByBrooks]
  

TBDS Late Night: Hawks' Hossa Injured,Offseason Roller Coaster Continues

Well, I make my debut to the late night edition. I think I can handle it, but I do not know if Chicago Blackhawks' fans can handle any more ups and downs in their team's roller coaster of a summer. Chicago did reach the conference finals this past year, right? It is hard to remember that with all the commotion the franchise has caused the last month.

The next episode in this soap opera?...finding out today that prized free-agent acquisition Marian Hossa may miss the start of the season. The Blackhawks also report that surgery has not been ruled out to repair a shoulder injury. They apparently knew this when they signed him, and when you have this guy signed for 12 seasons, it should not be a big deal on the ice. Yet, off the ice, it is a different story.

Who was mainly responsible for signing Hossa? It could have been a mix of people, from former GM Dale Tallon to new GM Stan Bowman to president John McDonough. Each person has had issues thrown at them based around the demotion of Tallon. All these people knowing that Hossa suffered an injury during the postseason does not look good on their record, especially with all the other problems this offseason.

Again, there are more Blackhawks fans now than there were in the 60's maybe. This also means there are more out there to be upset with what the team does. The fact that Hossa can be injury-prone is not what fans want to hear. Doesn't that remind you of the last main right wing for the Hawks? Martin Havlat had trouble staying on the ice as well.

Also, more fans may be upset that Hossa came from the Red Wings. At first, they were happy because we stole someone from the arch-rival, but an injured Hossa coming from Detroit is not what Chicagoans had in mind.

Well, he probably will not be hurt for 12 seasons, so I am sure Hossa will do enough on the ice to be liked. For now, though, there are more problems in this wild offseason. I bet more blogs will be coming about the Blackhawks because they sure are giving people a lot to talk about.

TBDS Late Night: Soriano To Second? Here We Go Again

All systems are go on Chicago's man crush on Sam Fuld. While reading Gordon Wittenmyer in the Sun-Times, I came to the conclusion that the Cubs beat guy asked the wrong question in today's piece.

(Me being critical of a beat writer? Why, I never...)

Alas, Wittenmyer should not have asked who should be batting lead-off. Instead he should have asked what he truly wanted to ask. A question I will go out on the limb and ask.

How in the world can Lou Piniella get Sam Fuld in the everyday line-up.

In a small sample size that would make Mike Fontenot look like a giant, Fuld is hitting .368 with an on-base percentage of .455 in 22 plate appearances. In an even smaller sample size, one that would make Mugsy Bogues look like Shaq, Fuld is hitting .545 with a .643 OBP in 14 plate appearances in the top spot in the order.

Usually, Piniella finds a way to ride the hot hand until it burns out. But with balancing a topsy-turvy bullpen, the lack of a back-up catcher and a musical chairs of hilarity in the outfield, Fuld was the odd-man out on the North Side.

In a perfect world, Piniella could place Fuld in center, shift Kosuke Fukudome to right and move Milton Bradley to the bench. But in a perfect world, Jessicas Biel and Alba would be fighting to not lose my love toniiiight Adam Dunn and his career 1.088 OPS at Wrigley Field would be trying to out-hit his fielding deficiencies as a Cub rather than putting up solid, if not, spectacular numbers for the Washington Nationals.

So this is where I suggest shifting Alfonso Soriano to his original position, second base. In the past, I have made this suggestion to get another bat in the line-up. But today, I'm pitching the Soriano-to-second campaign to get a better defender in the outfield.

None of the everyday outfielders is a good defender at the position they play everyday. Fukudome is a right fielder playing center. Once upon a time, Bradley could go get it at any of the three outfield spots, and still has an above average arm in right. But with his injury-riddled past, his next step could be his last. And despite having two good defensive years prior to this one, Soriano has struggled for whatever reason in the outfield.

In my opinion, the Cubs have only two choices in regards to Soriano's defensive positioning. They can either keep him in left field and hope he out hits some mistakes and throws out some others or they can move him to second base where his career OPS would put him among the elite offensive second basemen.

But that's not my decision to make. Thankfully.

Quality Linkage:

Nothing. I read nothing today. But tomorrow, I'll come with something strong.

TBDS Late Night: Mat Latos Gets It!

Mat Latos is the most prized arm in the San Diego Padres' farm system, and had himself quite the debut against the Colorado Rockies. Four innings, two hits, three runs in an outing in which he threw only 75 pitches.

But it was Latos' head that makes me think he is long for the big leagues.

See, I have it on good authority that the young ladies in San Diego are among the most attractive in the whole world. It kind of makes me wish they were all California girls. Alas, if Latos can turn down Road Beef in the city that boasts some of the world's best looking women, he will avoid a similar fate suffered by Steve McNair.

And really, how can you root against a guy who has the MLB logo tattooed on his body.

Quality Linkage:

• Mat Latos gets the big picture. [Yahoo! Sports, Twitter]
• A baseball player named Disco, who blogs. Sounds like a winner to me. [The Big Lead]
• How $600 worth of equipment brought to the world the Erin Andrews video. [Deadspin]
• Was Steve McNair passed out drunk when he was shot dead? [The Tennessean]
• Non Sports: I Poke Her Face Make Her Say video with Cudi, Kanye & Common. [The Smoking Section]

Kid Cudi - New Music - More Music Videos

TBDS Late Night: It's Friday. Get The F*** Out While It's Still Nice Outside

Often times, SIU men's basketball coach Chris Lowery and I see eye-to-eye. We both love Saluki hoops. We both are world travelers. We both love Harold's Chicken in Chicago. And now, we both love paycheck Friday.

Tonight, TBDS Late Night will be short-lived so you can get your butt outside. Yours truly has some packing to do, but might push that aside to take in what will surely be a beautiful night in Southern Illinois.

Instead of leaving you with a boatload of links, I'll leave you with one link for today's awesome playlist via my LCM's Daily Playlist blog and a classic summer jam.

Get outside. Make a friend. Have a few drinks. Dance a little bit. And go home and make some questionable decisions, dadgumit. Go get your "Becky On" ... It's Friday!

TBDS Late Night: The One About The Now Infamous Erin Andrews & The ESPYs

Who cares who wore it best? How about: who wore it least? (Image Credit: With Leather)

I have never watched a minute of the ESPYs. Ever. I've never felt the need to go and watch the shameless self-promotion that is ESPN get off on "awarding" those who they give 24/7 coverage of. Maybe I don't care because my favorite teams and players likely did not get an honor, nor should they.

You don't play the game to win ESPYs. If you do, then get the eff off my team. You're wasting my time and wasting ownership's money. You play to win the game. And if you win enough games you win championships and with championships come money, fame, riches and (apparently) crazy bitches. (See: McNair, Gatti & The Summer of Celebrity Death)

ESPN displayed some of its biggest winners during its morning SportsCenter, but I was too hungover busy in the morning to care. However, I do care about the dress of Ms. Erin Andrews. Mostly because it looked like a tiger ripped through it before Ms. Andrews said, "Silly kitty, that's enough" as it walked away sulking with its tail between its legs. Kind of like most 20something college kids after their 30 second encounter with The Sideline Princess.

If it lasts that long.

With Leather asked who wore the dress the best. I ask, who's taking it off first at the end of the night. Maybe I'm wrong, but if I'm wrong, then I just want to be in love with a pretty girl. That's all. And nothing should be wrong with that.

Quality Linkage:

• Deadspin revives one of my favorite segments about the dark side of journalism. [Deadspin]
• Phillip Rivers got bested by a high school kid. Does it matter, did the high school kid throw for 4,500 yards and a billion touchdowns? No. He couldn't even replicate it in Madden if he tried. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• A shot in the dark with TBL's second half predictions. [The Big Lead]
• NON SPORTS: 12 things that will happen before Dr. Dre releases Detox. [The Rap Up]
  

TBDS Late Night: Pitching Coach Edition

Much has been made of President Barack Obama's first pitch at Tuesday night's MLB All-Star game.  And while you might boo his political stances or his affiliation to Chicago (especially the White Sox -- yuck) I booed his flawed mechanics.

Watching Obama throw that first pitch made me think that Kerry Wood's mechanics were the stuff of Gods.  Instead, Obama, who probably has more pressing issues outside of the sports world, needs some help from a pitching coach.

And while I am not a pitching instructor, I am willing to play one on this blog.  Here is my three-pronged analysis.

• His arm slot was high, almost too high.  However, if his front side doesn't fly open early, he could have the kind of mechanics that could produce a 12-to-6 curveball.
• He actually stood on the mound.  He should have planted right inside the rubber and probably found a side of the mound he was comfortable on.
• He had no grip on the ball.  That's probably why it dipped so soon, Albert Pujols had to take a few steps and scoop before it touched the ground.

Since today is arguably the most boring day in all of sports, I would suggest that you do whatever your wife, girlfriend or significant other wants to do.  So when she flips out on you for not throwing out the trash, doing the dishes or giving  her a massage, you can ignore her because you obliged once.

Then you can go out and watch the rest of the baseball season without an interruption.

Here's your Quality Linkage:

• Barack Obama is a better analyst than Tim McCarver. Fact. [Awful Announcing]
• Is Nate Robinson going to follow Josh Childress' lead? [Newsday]
• Erin Andrews' dress looks like it was attacked by a tiger. And she's still hot. [Sports Illustrated]

TBDS Late Night: Baby, You're An All-Star. Let Me Show You My Signing Bonus

Carrie Underwood is an All-Star in my book. (Image Credit: Chickipedia)

We're only hours from first pitch from the All-Star Game, also known as Pujolspalooza. Here is some advice for NL manager Charlie Manuel. If he's wise and wants home field advantage in the World Series, he'll listen.

Albert Pujols, Hanley Ramirez, Ryan Braun, David Wright and Shane Victorino play the whole game. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Tim Lincecup pitches three innings. Johan Santana and Dan Haren each pitch two innings apiece. Heath Bell throws the eighth and Francisco Rodriguez takes over the ninth.

If that formula doesn't win for the National League, no formula ever will.

But enough about actual All-Star games, because game action won't start until 7:40 p.m. and you'll probably go to bed around 10:30 p.m. or the top of the third inning ... whichever comes first. So, let's talk about some All-Star ladies. Plenty of those are in the news, especially with the reports of Jessica Simpson newfound free agent status.

It got me to thinking about what kind of All-Star team I could put for myself. Also known as the most attractive girls I'll never get with. Enough small talk, let's cut to the gravy.

No. 1 Starter - Jessica Biel - The ace of the rotation.
No. 2 Starter - Scarlett Johansson - The total package, and unlike a lot of players in this game, she's all-natural.
No. 3 Starter - Jessica Alba - She could be an ace in any rotation. Her versatility as a blonde and a brunette can be very, very valuable.
No. 4 Starter - Megan Fox - This pic brings new meaning to "back-end of the rotation" amiright?
No. 5 Starter - Mariah Carey - Any team's rotation needs a durable fifth starter, and no one's been doing it longer on this franchise than Mariah.
Set-up Reliever - Eva Mendes - She's the Carlos Marmol of this squad. She's the fire-throwing Latina who with one glance can make your knees buckle.
Closer - Keelly Hazell, Stacy Kiebler, Anne Hathaway- In Billy Beane's world, anyone can be a closer. And since I am the self-proclaimed Billy Beane when it comes to scouting the ladies as I look at undervalued stats such as book smarts, street smarts, sass and sense of humor, I've got to suscribe to his theory.

On The DL - Lindsay Lohan - Lohan was a hot prospect coming up in the game, but got burned out thanks in part to some bad management. Reminds me a lot of the Kerry Wood story, so when she comes back, she'll come back as a hard throwing reliever. She's spent more time in rehab than Mark Prior.

Heck, I'm the guy who finds a girl who reads/recites/writes poetry, likes picking up the Sunday newspaper, coffee dates and stuff like that. So right now, I've got a closer by committee. Each of these girls brings something different to the table.

Manager - Erin Andrews - Like a lot of managers in today's game, The Sideline Princess' knowledge of the game from the booth will come in handy here.
General Manager - Sarah Palin - Experience in a position of power? Check. Sexy librarian glasses? Check. Good enough for me!

Quality Linkage:

• Create A Caption is back. Hell yes! [Awful Announcing]
• Recapping the event that made "making it rain" frowned upon at Las Vegas strip clubs. And no, I wasn't a part of it. [Las Vegas Review Journal]
• Comment ninjas make their (unfunny) debut. [Deadspin]
• God explains recent celebrity deaths. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• MLB All-Star Game commercial is kinda creepy. [YouTube]
• Martin Havlat uses Twitter to show his dismay over Dale Tallon being fired. [Fanhouse]
• Shameless plug for an addendum to the Summer Playlist of 2009. [LCM Daily Playlist]
  

TBDS Late Night: Who Wants To See Some Dingers?

Albert Pujols is to hitting baseballs as Chris Brown is to ... what? Too soon?

Baseball's All-Star Break is the ultimate "gift and the curse" scenario. It starts with the Home Run Derby, which is usually more interesting than the game itself. The baseball slugging event features the game's best power hitters socking dingers that do not land until they land in a different time zone.

This year's event features a pair of hometown heroes. Everyone knows about Albert Pujols, his 32 homers, 87 ribbies and his .723 slugging percentage which is higher than Alfonso Soriano's current OPS.

But what about Ryan Howard? The St. Louis native and Missouri State University product has 22 homers in his first season coming off a world championship with the Philadelphia Phillies.

Last season, I correctly picked Minnesota Twins first baseman Justin Morneau as the home run champ. Even though ESPN would like you to believe that it was Texas Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton who did the trick.

This year, I'm going out on a limb. Kind of. My pick to click tonight is Howard, who owns the following numbers at Busch Stadium Jr.:

• .381 batting average
• .536 on-base percentage
  
• .746 slugging percentage
• 1.282 OPS
• .436 BAbip (batting average of balls put in play)

I'm sold. But enough about me, who ya got?

TBDS Late Night: Gentlemen, Start Your Lawn Mowers!

And while you're at it, trim the bushes!

Announcement: TBDS Late Night will now be a full-time fixture on this blog Monday through Friday and select weekends. That lengthy intro will no longer apply. Which means more room for items like the following.

Expect Wrigley Field's playing surface to be in pristine condition this weekend as two of the National League Central's best landscapers converge on Wrigley Field this weekend.

And here's hoping the Chicago Cubs got that whole losing thing out of their system because they enter a big four game series against arch-rival (pun intended?) St. Louis Cardinals, who happen to be in first place in the NL Central. After a weekend of smacking around their neighbors from the north (Milwaukee for those of you who are geographically challenged) three out of four games, the Cubs offense was grounded in its two losses against the Atlanta Braves.

And that's with savior Aramis Ramirez back in the fold. Yesterday, I suggested a whole slew of changes. But since we all know Creighton people can't read, this blog probably went heard upon deaf ears. Or in the case of this site, blind eyes.

So that brings me to this. Rich Harden, it's time for you to get your shit together. Now.

There isn't a better time to revert to the pitcher that made you the must-have pitcher after CC Sabathia went to Milwaukee from Cleveland and proceded to drop the periods in his name en route to leading the Brewers to the NL's Wild Card berth.

Last season, Harden posted a 5-1 record with a 1.77 earned run average in 12 starts. His WHIP was 0.972 as he whiffed 89 batters while walking only 30 in 71 innings. My how things have changed in 2009.

Harden is 5-5 with a 5.35 ERA, which is at its highest point in his seven-year career. He has struck out 77 batters in 69 innings, which isn't bad. But his WHIP (1.493), hits-per-nine innings (9.3) and homers-per-nine innings (2.0) are up while his strikeout-to-walk ratio (2.41-to-1) is down.

Dick Hardon could get back in my good graces with a quality start Friday as three members of Team TBDS will be in attendance. Including the Cardinal-loving SalukiOrphan.

Quality Linkage:

• Proof that Cubdom is, in fact, Cubdumb. [Hire Jim Essian]
• An interview with that cute blonde chick who sits with Colin Cowherd. [Awful Announcing]
• Baseball wives and road beef. Didn't Steve McNair teach you good folks anything? [Deadspin] Oh, and the new commenting system is up. Have fun with that.
  
• Where's the outrage that the little guys succumbed to the BCS bullies? [Denver Post]
• Bartolo Colon has apparently been found, proving once again it's hard to lose someone who weighs a metric ton and still finds a way to fit into baseball pants. [Chicago Tribune]
  

TBDS Late Night: Where Inspiration From Facebook Happens

A long time ago in a blogosphere far, far away, this blogging outfit presented a feature called TBDS Late Night which reported on late-breaking news and provided games to watch for and links to read at your own peril. Once in a while, yours truly will revive that segment when necessary. This is one of those times.

Looks like yours truly is bringing back TBDS Late Night as a full-time segment. Maybe, but it's just how my current schedule and news has playded out. But enough of the chit-chat. Let's cut to the gravy.

For the longest time I have compared being a Chicago Cubs fan to being in a real bad relationship, if only because of my past transgressions.

Furthermore, the Cubs have proven to be nothing more than a tease. Take the last three division winners. They all had charming personalities and did some things that brought a smile to your face. But in the end, they left you truly unsatisfied and wanting more as they didn't go all the way. And after taking three-of-four from second-place Milwaukee, they dropped two-of-three to Atlanta. And no, Glavine and Smoltz were not the winning pitchers of record for the Braves in either of those occasions.

So after another disappointing loss, I decided to leave a few suggestions for the Cubs on a friends Facebook page with a promise of more to come. And guess what, I don't break promises.

Here are five things Jim Hendry needs to do.

1. Fire Lou Piniella, let Alan Trammel run the team. Sorry Lou, you're press conferences were entertaining and your hat-tossing, dirt-kicking antics will go down in the history books, but you've got to go. Piniella has clearly lost his team. I'm not just talking about players going nutso on Gatorade coolers or umpires, I'm talking about mentally.

This team has made base-running blunders look like they're the in-thing. Mental errors like throwing to the wrong base, forgetting how many outs there are, missing signs have been an all-too-common occurrence this season. All that points to the man in charge.

If the Cubs were oh-so-willing to fire Gerald Perry (hint, the whack bats aren't all his fault), they should be equally firing the manager who helped get them there in the first place.

As for Tram, read below.

2. Read the Moneyball script and tell Alan Trammel that if he doesn't follow the Billy Beane edict of OBP guys up front, he'll end up like Art Howe. Anyone know where Art Howe is? I didn't think so. And with the way the Cubs are built, the Moneyball-esque charade might actually work with this team. And a hat tip to Steven Jung who said: "If a team with a 140 million dollar payroll has to go with a Moneyball strategy, then 3 words. WE ARE FUCKED."

I couldn't have said it any better myself, but there is a baseball team in Bosotn that has applied the Moneyball concept to a high-payroll situation. And all the Red Sox have to show for it is two World Series titles and a lead in the AL East.

As for Trammel's past managerial experience, I dare you to find 81 wins out of this team. Or this team. Or this team. Research before you blame everything on the manager, OK? Thank you.

The Cubs line-up should be constructed as so: (against righties) Fukudome CF Bradley RF Lee 1B Ramirez 3B Soto C Soriano LF Theriot SS Fontenot 2B ... (against lefties) Johnson CF Bradley RF Lee 1B Ramirez 3B Fox LF Soto C Soriano 2B Theriot SS.

No one's running on this team and station-to-station is going to have to work until Soriano and Theriot learn how to put one foot in front of the other and swiping bags like Robin Hood.

3. Sign Pedro Martinez. Ryan Dempster is out 4-to-6 weeks, and I'll lean more to the six-week mark beause Demp will probably stub his toe on the washer or dryer as he's doing his laundry. Martinez would be the security blanket for when Rich Harden gets injured and/or Randy Wells comes back to earth. And since the Cubs aren't getting Roy Halladay or Jake Peavy, signing Pedro to an incentive-laden deal for the rest of the year is the most cost-efficient move for the Cubs.

Martinez owns a career record of 91-55 with a 3.06 ERA and 1.091 WHIP in the second half, and if that isn't attractive to you, then you, my friend, are baseball retarded.

4. Trade For Matt Holliday. I don't care if you have to go to Oakland, go through the black hole of Raider Nation, handcuff yourself to Billy Beane and trade anyone in the minor league system not named Josh Vitters to get Holliday, get it done. Then sign him to a long-term deal and place him in the outfield for the next five years.

5. Resign. Bye, Jim. Thanks for your time. Ted Lilly will probably go down as your best free-agency signing ever. And that Rich Harden deal was pretty sweet, too. But you have yet to conquer the buy-low, sell-high concept.

To be honest, you were at your best when Lou Piniella was helping you do your winter shopping. Oh, you say Piniella is unemployed? Forget what I said about banishing him, just send him upstairs and get him a nice suit to wear.

Quality Linkage:

• If rappers were NBA players. [The Big Lead]
• Steve McNair tells his side of the story in a live-stream from hell. [Deadspin]
• Cheerleaders and car washes make me wish I went to school at FIU. That and being able to pick up girls by saying "There are worse guys than me on the campus, like Isiah Thomas." [SportsByBrooks]
• KSK continues to humor me as a Pats fan and Titans fan converse. Kind of. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

TBDS Late Night: The Curious Case Of Cub Ownership

Megan Fox = Hits right?

A long time ago in a blogosphere far, far away, this blogging outfit presented a feature called TBDS Late Night which reported on late-breaking news and provided games to watch for and links to read at your own peril. Once in a while, yours truly will revive that segment when necessary. This is one of those times.

It seems as if since the beginning of time, fans of the Chicago Cubs have been yearning for a new owner. And who can blame them?

All the team has to show for its time under the Tribune Co.'s ownership run are a handful of division titles and more than two decades worth of heartbreak. It is hard to believe that Trib Co. can claim bankruptcy after basically stealing money from Cubs fans throughout the years without re-investing that into the team until late into the newspaper company's ownership of a baseball team.

Now there's this. One day after reportedly agreeing to a deal to sell the team to life-long Cubs fan Tom Ricketts (of TD-Ameritrade fame), Sam Zell and his gang of cronies also are looking at a deal from Chicago native and New York investor Marc Utay.

This is very eerily similar to an episode of any late-90s, early-2000s romantic comedy sitcome in which the guy has two dates at the same place with two different girls. In most of those episodes, the guy gets dumped by both, making yours truly feel a little bit better about his own dating disasters.

As for this very unique Cubs situation, I have a happy ending that can appease all parties.

Let 'em both buy it.

The Ricketts family apparently had its issues raising the rest of the money to buy the Cubs, so much so that the final bidding price ended up falling short of the $900 million projection. Let the Ricketts and Utay camps come together and share ownership of the team. It seems like a far-fetched deal, but it isn't. For example, Jerry Reinsdorf is the principal owner of the White Sox, but he's got a team of investors ... lots of teams do this.

If Ricketts and Utay really want to get creative, they would make a quick phone call to Mark Cuban and make an ownership super-team with a face that has Chicago ties (Ricketts), the experience of owning a professional sports team (Cuban) and plenty of cash behind the deal with that three-headed monster.

As a Cubs fan, here's hoping this turns out better than those romcom sitcoms I referenced earlier.

Quality Linkage:

• Here comes another stupid idea from ESPN. Who is America's Team? [Awful Announcing]
• Tuesday in a nutshell: Jason Whitlock gets his "Becky" on. People ask me what "getting Becky on" means. I explain. Laughter, confusion, disgust ensue. As MJ Hartwig said "haha white people." [Fox Sports] ["Becky" def.]
• Ron Artest's tribute song to the King of Pop. [The Sports Hernia]
• Obama first pitch odds. Is there anything Pete Rose can't bet on? [Vegas Watch]
  

TBDS Late Night: Manny Ramirez Returns

I'm not going to bore you with a Manny shot. Here's hottie (and Dodger fan/baseball enthusiast) Alyssa Milano via Chickipedia. I know I'm not the only guy out there that finds a pretty girl with a baseball glove to be attractive.

A long time ago in a blogosphere far, far away, this blogging outfit presented a feature called TBDS Late Night which reported on late-breaking news and provided games to watch for and links to read at your own peril. Once in a while, yours truly will revive that segment when necessary.

This is one of those times.

The Los Angeles Dodgers welcome the return of All-Star outfielder Manny Ramirez from his 50-game drug suspension, much to the chagrin of L.A. Times columnist Bill Plaschke. The Dodgers went 28-21 in Ramirez's absence as Juan Pierre starred in left field and the bats of youngsters Matt Kemp and James Loney rose to the occasion in ManRam's stead.

And yet, in the 50 games Ramirez was gone, no one was able to pass, let alone catch, the Dodgers. The San Francisco Giants are 7.5 games out of first, but are still one big bat short of being a real threat to Joe Torre's bunch.

The return of Ramirez makes me wonder if the Dodgers are now the team to beat in the National League.

The Cubs were favored to win the NL Central for the third straight year, but faceplanted coming out of the gate and really have not been able to find the "Cubbie Swagger" that has eluded the team since last September. The Mets have so many injuries, they're one step away from having an entire farm system on speed dial and on a direct flight to New York City. And the Phillies have the highest starter's earned run average in the senior circuit.

Meanwhile the Dodgers seemingly have the perfect mix of youthful exuberance and veteran know-how to get something done not only in the NL West, but in the entire league.

But they will only go as far as the beautiful Alyssa Milano will go. Somewhere, Dodger fans hope she goes all the way.

Quality Linkage:

• The 24 hours of Independence Day. [Made Men]
• Athletes who drank their American haterade. [Deadspin]
• Kissing Suzy Kolber's sexy tribute to the 4th of July. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The history of fireworks in 60 seconds. [Asylum]
• The Celtics are looking for a few good (looking) women for their dance team. [SportsByBrooks]
• Eastbound and Down, coming to a DVD set near you. [Netflix]