Crank That Offseason Plan: Chicago White Sox

I'll try to keep this short and sweet, highlighting areas of question for each team. I'll start with the Chicago White Sox.

MUST-MAKE DECISIONS

1) Octavio Dotel: Arbitration, or not?

Dotel – Walk

2) Jermaine Dye: Mutual option, arbitration, or not?

Dye – Buyout

FLEXIBLE DECISIONS

3) One-year contract for John Danks? If not, what would you pay to extend him?

I think a multi-year offer similar to the one Jon Lester got would be fair. I can't think of a more comparable pitcher to Danks than Lester. If he doesn't go for that then go to year-to-year with him.

4) One-year contract for Bobby Jenks, extension or trade?

Jenks – You have to keep Jenks but under no cirumstance should they offer him a multi-year deal. The problem with trading Jenks is that it moves everybody in the bullpen up one job. So, while Matt Thorton would probably make a solid closer (see Brian Fuentes) it moves both Tony Pena and Scott Linebrink into roles they should not be in on a contender.

FREE AGENCY

5) Which positions are in most dire need of an upgrade?

One of the corner outfield spots are in dire need of an upgrade more than anything else on this team. It would be nice to have at the spot filled by an athletic player not named Scott Podsednik. I simply don't think he'll be cheap enough to make sense nor do I think he can duplicate his career year in 2009.

6) Name three (or more) free agents you’d consider, at a price.

Sign Bobby Abreu to a 2 year $20 million dollar contract. (I don't expect the Angels to be able to sign him along with Chone Figgins and John Lackey)

Sign Joe Beimel or Will Ohman for a 1 year deal around $2.5 million

Sign J.J. Putz to an incentive laden deal.

TRADES

7) Name three (or more) realistic trades that could improve the Sox team.

I don't see any trade as a likely scenario unless we're getting a superstar outfielder for Jenks but he didn't have the season that would warrant something like that. I'm thinking we should stand pat till the trade deadline if we need an extra piece (see Chris Getz getting bit by the injury bug).

SUMMARY

Obviously, the White Sox need to replace Dye at the very least and I assume they'll need to replace Scott Podsednik as well. All in all the White Sox need a backup catcher to replace Ramon Castro, two corner outfielders, a lefty out of the pen to replace Randy Williams and a designated hitter. Kenny Williams isn't a guy that spends big bucks in the free agent market and most of his moves are made through trades.

The White Sox don't have a ton of money to spend due to the trades and waiver claims made for Jake Peavy and Alex Rios, respectively. My key to the offseason is getting Bobby Abreu to fill one of the corner outfield spots and beyond that, one buy low right-handed option out of the pen and a semi-reliable second lefty would be lovely.

Getting a backup catcher isn't critical because no matter who it is they'll probably be terrible. They always are. Cole Armstrong makes sense in the short term but he's essentially a bad version of A.J. Pierzynski (throws righty, bats lefty). I'm fine with rotating the designated hitter spot especially if either Tyler Flowers or Dayan Viciedo can make the club.

Will Claiming Alex Rios Cost The White Sox Chone Figgins?

In short, yes.

Just like the remaining two-years and $21 million remaining on Milton Bradley's contract will likely handcuff the Cubs this offseason, Alex Rios' bulky contract in which he is scheduled to make $58.7 million through the 2014 campaign will hamper the White Sox.

For years, Kenny Williams and the South Siders have coveted Chone Figgins of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.  The versatile Figgins would be a perfect fit at The Cell where he would lead off and play third base for Ozzie Guillen, one of the few American League managers that itches to play a National League style of ball.  The move would likely shift Gordon Beckham to his natural position, shortstop, while moving Alexei Ramirez back to second base.

In a story by the Chicago Sun-Times' Joe Cowley, Guillen said he believes Figgins' price won't be right.

''[T]his kid is going to cost you a lot of money. If we figure out this guy is going to solve our problem, then [chairman] Jerry [Reinsdorf] will take a shot because Jerry wants to win."

Figgins made $5.7 million in 2009 and will be looking squarely at a hefty raise once the World Series is over and the market opens up.  And the White Sox, a team that in the past has been reluctant to shell out big money for free agents, will be in competition with any team looking for a speedy infielder with a high on-base percentage, including the crosstown Cubs.

While Rios' addition clears up what has been a clusterf*ck of failure in center field since Aaron Rowand was traded away, Rios will need to improve on the .199/.299/.301/.530 line he posted since joining the White Sox.  If not, his presence in the outfield might as well have created a hole in the infield that could have been filled by Figgins.

Ten Random Things Floating Around My Head

Ten things I'm thinking about ... other than whoever that girl is .. after the jump.

Maybe We Should Just Call Them The FAILsox

I think I might have to check in with a counselor if I find myself agreeing with one more Phil Rogers column.  But only after Crazy Uncle Milton agrees to get himself some help first.

Rogers conveniently points out that Kenny Williams made some offseason deals that look questionable now.  And while Williams' cross-town counterpart gets railroaded on a daily basis, Williams skates away untouched.

How?  Why?  Where is the outrage?

Simply stated: White Sox fans don't care about the White Sox.

Bye-Bye Bobby Jenks?

For the longest time, I thought Bobby Jenks would always be remembered as the guy who saved the 2005 Chicago White Sox.

Sure, the South Side championship squad's offense was led by the speedy Scott Podsednik and sluggers such as Paul Konerko, Jermaine Dye and Joe Crede.  And its pitching staff was led by Mark Buehrle, Freddy Garcia, Jose Contreras and Jon Garland.  But it was Jenks' presence at the back end of the bullpen that saved the Pale Hose from having to use Dustin Hermanson or **gasp** Shingo Takatsu -- the guy who started that season in the closer's role before disappearing into the Chicago night -- in a pressure situation.

Fast forward to 2009 and Jenks is a shell of his former self.  He's blown six saves this season , which is not a good thing for a team eight games out of a pennant race.  Jenks owns a 3.71 earned run average in 2009, which is more than one run higher than his '08 ERA of 2.63.

The biggest decline, as far as Jenks is concerned, is in his power game.  He struck out 50 batters in 39.1 innings as he exploded onto the scene in 2005.  However, turn the clock forward four years and note Jenks has punched out only 49 batters in 53.1 innings of work.  When he was dominant, he posted WHIPs of 0.892 and 1.103 in 2007 and 2008.  And while a 1.275 WHIP is respectable, it is clear that the intimidation factor Jenks once held over opposing hitters has dissipated.


Jenks popped his calf muscle and the White Sox announced Tuesday that he would be shut down for the season.

It would not surprise me if the big boy was the subject of a lot of trade talks.  Despite his struggles, Jenks could be in line for a raise if it goes to an arbitration hearing.  According to Cot's Baseball Contracts, Jenks earned $5.6 million in 2009.  And after adding Jake Peavy and Alex Rios, who will combine to earn $24.7 million in 2010, the South Side closer might have to be moved to make ends meet.

The problem with trading Jenks is the lack of an adequate replacement.  The Sox sent several prospects to San Diego in exchange for Peavy, including Aaron Poreda, whose plus fastball would make him an ideal candidate to close if things didn't work out as a starter.

The gift and the curse for the White Sox is in the upcoming free agent market.  Jose Valverde leads the bunch with Mike Gonzalez, Rafael Soriano, Trevor Hoffman and Billy Wagner possibly being more affordable options. 

(And yes, I left Kevin Gregg out for a reason.  But if the Sox wanted him, I'd pay for his CTA fare and send him on the next Red Line train headed south.)

The good news for the ChiSox is that they can replace Jenks through the free agent market.  The bad news is that teams not willing to trade prospects for Jenks could go down that road as well.

In the end, Kenny Williams has quite a task ahead of him this winter as he will attempt to re-tool a team that is one season removed from an AL Central Division championship.

Happy Jake Peavy Day!

Photo via 

Had it not been for a text message that inspired this blog post's title, I would have forgotten Jake Peavy ever existed.  He had been out since June 8, and at that time he was with the San Diego Padres.  I had dropped him from my fantasy league a week ago, citing his prolonged absence from the rotation and the fact that the White Sox are the only team falling faster than the Cubs.

But finally, Peavy made his debut Saturday night and picked up the win throwing 73 pitches, striking out five and walking two in the South Sider's 13-3 victory against the Kansas City Royals.

A healthy Peavy fortifies a strong starting rotation at 35th & Shields as he would join Mark Buehrle, John Danks and Gavin Floyd.  It's a fearsome foursome very few rotations in baseball could match on a game-by-game basis.  And despite the team's 13-3 rout of the Royals, the team's offensive woes should still be Kenny Williams' top priority.

Catcher A.J. Pierzynski is the only player from the team's opening day roster to have a batting average over .300.  Carlos Quentin has struggled to find his stroke in one injury plagued season after tearing up the American League in his first go-around.  Jermaine Dye and Paul Konerko are aging again, and Scott Podsednik is being squeezed out of the line-up by the presence of Alex Rios and his .159/.173/.224/.397 line.

The Sox could have a productive double-play duo if they dare move Gordon Beckham to his natural shortstop position and shift Alexei Ramirez back to second base, where he would be less of a defensive liability.  That would create a gaping hole at third base, and if Williams really wants to stick it to Cubs fans, he would sign Mark DeRosa to fill that void.

Then there's the bullpen, where Bobby Jenks has turned in his best Kevin Gregg impersonation to the tune of six blown saves.

Chicago's baseball teams have a lot of work to do in order to return to 2008 form.  And if Peavy can stay off the trainer's table, it would look as if the White Sox have a bit of a head start.

Sources: Chicago Baseball Pronounced Dead

Sources tell The Big Dead Sidebar that the Chicago baseball scene was found dead at approximately 12:01 p.m. today.

Cubs, White Sox Prepare For Meaningless Game

MLB slogan for today's Cubs-Sox showdown: This Time It's Meaningless.

The City of Big Shoulders can just brush this one off.  The Cubs and White Sox square off one last time, but at this point of the season, it is nothing more than a glorified audition for next year's game.

Once upon a time, both of these team's were contenders for their respective division championships.  Had each team held up its own end of the bargain, today's game at Wrigley Field would have turned into some over-hyped game-for-the-ages spectacle featuring two teams fighting for a playoff spot.  And even though they don't play in the same division, let alone the same league, it would not have stopped anyone from playing the "my team's gonna knock your team out of playoff contention" game.

The only bragging rights here are as follows:

• If the Cubs win, it means the series is tied up at 36-36.
• If the White Sox win, it gives them a 37-35 lead and will go into the winter with something for White Sox Nation (really, is that what they call themselves?) to hang its inferiority-complex ridden hat on.

Couple that with its win in the Jake Peavy sweepstakes and the fact that the Cubs will need to rely on the smarts (bursts out in laughter) of Jim Hendry to re-tool this team in the offseason, it looks to me that White Sox fans already have a lot to brag about.

Then they'd look at their 65-69 record and hang their head in shame.  If only they could read, of course.

Follow The Sox? I'd Rather Follow The Blind

If following the Reinsdorfian Model of Success includes making out with Mark Buehrle and jizzing on his head, then you can count me out!

South Siders got it right? Well, not quite.

Chicago Sun-Times columnist is no P.J. Franklin, by any means. So I guess maybe I should take it easy on her in regards to her latest column fodder in which she suggests new Cubs owner Tom Ricketts follows the game plan of the South Side White Sox.

The column reads as if the White Sox were run like a well-oiled machine drowning in a sea of championship trophies.  A little bit of research shows that Carol Slezak obviously didn't do hers.

Let's take a look at the White Sox since 1986, which is a fair point to start from in my case because it marks the first year of my existence.  The South Siders have notched four playoff appearances since the result of my mother and father's mistake I was born.  The first coming in 1993 and the most recent coming in 2008.  From 1987 (my first full year of birth) to 1993, the Sox averaged a little more than 80 wins per year, thanks in part to 267 wins from 1990-92, which helped balance out a .448 winning percentage from 1987-89the.  And unless you're breeding mediocrity, this is not how you want a franchise to be won.

Slezak suggests following the Reinsdorfian model?  Really?  Why would Ricketts want to follow a management group that hired Ken "The Hawk" Harrelson as its general manager, who ended up firing Tony LaRussa?  Sounds almost as silly as handing LaRussa your keys after a night on the town.

Truth be told, the Cubs haven't been much better, making five playoff appearances since being born as they clinched four division titles and a Wild Card spot, too.  As Sleezebag Slezak points out, the Cubs have built an outfield full of losers with Alfonso Soriano, Kosuke Fukudome and Milton Bradley.

Again, it's easy to ride on Soriano this year, but not a peep was heard from April through September the last two years.  Then, adding Bradley, who led the American league with a .999 OPS last season, should have made the outfield better based on stats alone.  But it's easier to take blinded swipes than it is to log onto baseball-reference.com, I guess.

The only thing the White Sox have on the Cubs, of course, is the most important thing in baseball: A World Series ring.  I could go the route of ignorance and note that the White Sox still play jealous little brother with a snotty (yet, ballsy) GM who pokes more jabs at the Cubs than he does at teams in his own division, a broadcast booth that feeds into a fan-base that acts like a jilted former lover by spewing Cub-flavored Haterade on a daily basis and a Twittering fool (account protected) who had more posts about a team he used to cover than the team he currently covers. This, of course, the same Twittering fool that Steve Rosenbloom wants to anoint as team president despite the fact that he has as much experience in that role as, say, the other celebs he names in his blogcolumn.

All that despite the team's 2005 championship.

Heck, if Ricketts wanted to follow a Reinsdorfian model of success, it should be the Chicago Bulls from 1987 to 1998.  Yes, Reinsdorf and the Bulls lucked into Michael Jordan, but it was what Reinsdorf and the organization's ability to draft and build around His Airness with role players such as Scottie Pippen and Horace Grant, among others.

Acquire. Develop. Win. Profit.

That was the recipe when the Yankees were winning their championships. The Braves used that same methodology to win a bazillion straight division titles. It's the same recipe Ricketts should use when he finally digs into the mess left behind by Sam Zell, Jim Hendry and the preceding ownership group.

However, that looks doubtful amidst this report.  So, how long until Cubs fans will be clamoring for a new owner?

Better yet.

How long until Cubs fans again start clamoring for Mark Cuban?

The Buried Lead: Jerry Reinsdorf Cares More About His Baseball Team Than He Does His Basketball Team

Ben Gordon hides his laughter after learning the White Sox had acquired Alex Rios, and his nearly $60 million remaining contract.

Kenny Williams is getting a lot of praise these days. Sure, he's engineered a pair of deals to bring in Jake Peavy and Alex Rios to the White Sox. And while he deserves that praise, it re-affirms something that Chicago sports fans know all too well.

Jerry Reinsdorf doesn't care about his basketball team.

Money was one of the big issues when it came down to letting Ben Gordon, the Bulls' leading scorer, sign with Detroit via free agency this offseason. However, I am not sure how Reinsdorf could spin this injustice.

There is no way I can justify not extending the contract the only guy who has proven to hit a big shot since M. Jeff skipped town in the same summer he added the $60 million paycheck of a guy currently hitting .264 with a .317 on-base percentage.

Even Jim Hendry thinks throwing a shade under $60 million at a fourth outfielder is laughable.

Taking a brief look at the 2010 free agent class and you'll notice guys like Matt Holliday, Jason Bay, Johnny Damon, Bobby Abreu and Vladimir Guerrero litter the outfield market. There's no way you can justify Rios at $12 million per year when legit All-Stars will be coming to the market place.

As for the Peavy acquisition, I still contend that was a good move. But in the end, a little bit of simple math unearths the buried lead in the recent praise the White Sox's GM has earned.

The White Sox have obtained more than $100 million worth of remaining contracts. Meanwhile, the Bulls refuse to dabble in the free agent market and hesitant to dip their toe in trade market.

Bulls fans, prepare yourselves for a winter of mediocrity followed by a summer that will feature more teases than amateur night.

White Sox and Buehrle Taking Away from Politics!

Just a thought as the economy and other issues surround our great country, and this is not to take away from any of our politicians, but....

President Barack Obama heads to the All-Star game in St. Louis, wearing a White Sox jacket, which puts him center stage among the baseball world. There was plenty of talk surrounding Obama's wardrobe choice, including the jeans, but more on the jacket.

I am sure Mark Buehrle loved it, and he thanked Obama by pitching a perfect game last week. Obama was even headed to Chi-Town the night of the milestone for a conference, and he called to congratulate the left-hander.

And today, two nights after Buehrle completed a record of 45 consecutive batters retired, Illinois Governor Pat Quinn proclaims July 30, 2009 as Mark Buehrle Day in the state. He even says Buehrle should join the state legislature when he is done pitching. The Sox thank Quinn by going out and hitting a walk-off single in the ninth to beat the Yankees. Dewayne Wise got the hit, and Wise made the great catch to preserve perfection last week.

There is a state budget crisis, the nation's economy is trying to get back into shape, health care is an issue, meetings at the White House are being held today with beer, and so many other issues to be resolved.

Yet, the focus has also been on a 52-51 team from the South Side of Chicago. Again, all the love in the world goes out to our leaders. Yet, if problems continue in our country, you may want to thank the White Sox for bringing the attention on themselves.

For those in Illinois, I hope you had a wonderful Mark Buehrle Day. I wonder when Dewayne Wise Day will be.

So, Tell Me Again Why Does Josh Fields Want To Get Traded?

Rumors floated around yesterday not involving Roy Halladay involved Chicago White Sox third baseman Josh Fields, proving to me there are other players on the trading block. It wasn't too long ago when Fields' name being tossed around the rumor mill in association with a blockbuster trade.

And maybe, it still could be.

Joe Cowley of the Chicago Sun-Times reports that Fields has asked to be traded. And while the once-prized prospect who was supposed to make South Side fans forget about Joe Crede has been usurped by Gordon Beckham, I am hardpressed to find a reason to want out of Chicago.

(Well, other than having to drive through the South Side at night, of course.)

His numbers are disappointingly underwhelming, batting .220 with a .301 on-base percentage while slugging .354. It looks like the Louisville Slugger he once carried to the plate in 2007, when he hit 23 home runs, drove in 67 runs and slugged .480, has turned into a wet newspaper overnight.

(And no, I'm not going to make a "nobody reads newspapers anymore" joke.)

Had Fields played his cards right, he could have re-emerged as an option at third base if manager Ozzie Guillen shifted Alexei Ramirez to second base and moved Beckham to shortstop.

Could the former prospect need a change of scenery, perhaps? It's possible. But to me, it looks like he needs a change in plate discipline (71 strikeouts in 71 games/251 plate appearances) more than anything.

Buehrle Keeps on Chugging Along; Hall of Fame Not Out of Question

A World Series title in 2005 where he became the first pitcher to start and save consecutive fall classic games, a no-hitter in 2007, the 18th perfect game in MLB history today, a four-time all star, 133 wins and counting.

The White Sox' Mark Buehrle is a crafty left-hander whose fastball tops off at about 90 mph. He has a cutter and a change-up that move pretty well, but he is in no means a strike-out pitcher. This can be still a quality arm in the big leagues, but Buehrle has turned this into a historic career.

If he stays healthy, which he has about his whole career, the 30-year-old should have about another ten years left. He his in his ninth full year now and still acts like a kid enjoying every minute of the game. The guy does not get tired due to his smooth delivery, and he is a workhorse, good for at least six innings about every night. There is no reason he cannot continue doing that for about another decade. I see him getting about 10 wins a season the next six years, which would give him 200 for a career.

When you mix all the other accomplishments with at least 200 wins, I see nothing that would take him away from the hall-of-fame. The all-star has done everything this season including hit a home run. It is hard to call Buehrle a hall-of-fame pitcher because you would not classify him as being dominating. Yet he still baffles hitters and is on pace for the best season of his career this year.

The Rays did not have any hard-hit balls today until the crazy catch by Dewayne Wise in centerfield. By the way, manager Ozzie Guillen knows what he is doing, putting Wise in for the 9th inning. Buehrle hardly had any reaction, on the outside, following that catch and just went about his business. He had a three-ball count on the batter after the ultimate web gem and found a way to make the clutch pitch.

Buehrle was born in the "Gateway to the West." The Chicago White Sox may become his "Gateway to Cooperstown."

Mark Buehrle Is Perfect (No Homo)

27 up. 27 down. 1 "no homo" reference.

It's a good day to be a South Sider. More insight to come later.

Daily Dosage: The Windy City Blows

Ozzie loooooves his White Sox fans! (via Photobucket)

The White Sox took two of three from the Cubs this weekend in the battle of whack Windy City baseball. These teams might play a make-up game at Wrigley in September, setting up a situation where one team could theoretically serve a blow to each other's playoff chances. But we won't talk about that until both teams are over .500.

Ozzie Guillen continues to live in bizarro world. First, he welcomed the Cubs to the world class facilities of the South Side, which included meth labs, crack spots and the ever so popular 35th Street underpass. Then he goes on to say Sox fans are not stupid like Cubs fans. (Remembers the Ligue's jumping Royals first base coach Tom Gamboa. Then other fans jumping umpire Laz Diaz. Then other fans harassing Craig Biggio's wife at teh 2005 World Series.) You're right Ozzie, White Sox fans aren't stupid. They're just embarrassing. [Chicago Tribune, Paul Sullivan]

Phil Rogers' stupidity continues. "Get Carlos Zambrano out of here, even if the Cubs have to give him away. He's not the guy you want as the ace of a curse-busting team, and at this point, it's wishful thinking that he'll ever mature into that guy. Proving that I did not attend Kellogg, Wharton or even the Acme School of Business, I offer this proposition for Jim Hendry: First thing Monday morning, put Zambrano on waivers. If anyone claims him and the $62.75 million left on his contract, which runs through 2012, immediately trade him for whatever is being offered, from a bag of balls to a 32-year-old minor-leaguer."

I won't even justify that with a witty response. [Chicago Tribune, That One Idiot]

Random Thought: This tidbit in the Trib suggests Aaron Miles could go on the disabled list soon. The former Cardinal is batting .203 this season with the Cubs, which begs the question: When was he ever able? Just cut bait.

Random Thought II: In theory, the Cubs traded Mark DeRosa for Aaron Miles and three minor leaguers. And unless those minor leaguers become Hall of Famers, Cubs fans will never live this down.

Here We Go Again: Cubs, White Sox, Baseball, Booze and The South Side ... What Can Go Wrong?

No need for a Michael Buffer reference, because we all know something's going down on the South Side this weekend. Ozzie Guillen welcomed the North Siders to the South Side's "excellent, new facilities." I didn't know he was hosting the Cubs for dinner at Harold's Chicken Shack, which happens to be the finest facility south of Addison Street.

It was a little too quiet for my liking when the teams split a pair of games on the North Side. And with the Cubs sliding down that slippery slope of suck, don't be surprised if Lou Piniella kicks dirt, throws bases or puts Alfonso Soriano in a head lock.

Speaking of which, how long until Milton Bradley beats up a father-son tandem that tried to jump him from behind. I say, pregame, Game 1.

And how long 'til Ozzie starts throwing at the rats' heads this weekend? No, not the Wrigley rats. I'm talking about the hood rats that sleep at that Red Line stop and line 35th Street.

Throwing for the Sox this weekend will be Contreras, Buehrle and Danks. The Cubs counter with Wells, Dempster and Zambrano. If the White Sox don't sweep this series I'll be surprised.

And if the Cubs win one game out of this series, I will consider this road trip a success.

Cubs Bats Awaken For Comeback Win As Told By A Game Thread And Your Facebook Status Update

Derrek Lee hit a basket shot and the Facebook statuses flowed ... "stupid f****** basket" ... no one had any beef Wednesday when Alexei Ramirez hit a basket ball in the White Sox's win. Just saying. Then Geovany Soto decided to launch a no-doubter. The Facebook status updates began to roll in, with content that shouldn't be seen by children. (Seriously, anyone can be on Facebook now, even children. That's whack!) Finally, the Cubs won in the bottom of the ninth.

That's how it was from my perspective. As for the enemy, check this out.

@2:57 p.m. after Alexei Ramirez's two-run homer off Carlos Zambrano gave the White Sox a 3-1 lead: "Hawk just gave a "HELL YES!"

At times, I feel bad that a really good analyst has to babysit Hawk. Then again, once he left the Cubs, Stoney became pompous know-it-all wanna be GM.

@3:15 p.m. after Chris Getz knocked in some more runs to extend the White Sox's lead: G-E-T-Z GETZ GETZ GETZ.

I see what you did there, that's a New York Jets reference. At this point, I'm counting down the days until Jay Cutler's thrwoing touchdown passes to Plaxico Burress.

@3:17 p.m. as the Sox hold a seemingly insurmountable 5-1 lead: Are the Cubs fans crying yet?

No, at this point we're calling for someone's head. Someone more important than Gerald Perry.

@3:35 as Derrek Lee hits a three-run homer in which the Cubs are still down by one. This can only be described by one word (edited by yours truly): "F***BALLS"

(expletive deleted)

@3:37 p.m. as Geovany Soto took a mouthful of Flintstone's Vitamins before knocking one out of the part, the South Side begins (continues?) to crumble: "For serious...what the hell just happened?"

What happened? So-to-the-to decided he wanted to not lose his job to Koyie Hill.

@3:48 p.m. and this is why this message ("Just read your Cubs-Sox drinking game. For the record, you would've been sober at the top of the 8th and drunk by the bottom of the 9th had you listened to Hawk & Stoney today.") last night made sense: "shutup about the umps for f***sakes"

(See the official Cubs-Sox drinking game here)

@3:59 p.m. moments after Alfonso Soriano blooped a winner. Tears flow throughout 35th St. as the White Sox lose: "i can't stand that damn song. it doesnt even make sense. if anything it should be sung BEFORE the game. they sing "cubs are going to win today" AFTER a win. we todd did."

Remember, South Siders: Meth is bad.

And then with the status updates, because I'm sure this is exactly what Mark Zuckerberg envisioned when he created Facebook.

Status 1: CUBS WINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!
Status 2: the automatic out comes through in the clutch..BALLGAME.
Status 3: scrubs got lucky. Let's see how good you are at Comiskey!

Prepare for a healthy dosage of Facebook status updates dedicated to the returns of Mark DeRosa and Kerry Wood.

Gamethread #2: White Sox vs. Cubs [South Side Sox]

Crosstown Classic Round Up: Round 1, Game 1 Where Sox Scrubs Beat Cubs

Cy Danks throws against the hitless blunders

Game 1 of the Crosstown Classic was a microcosm of the Chicago Cubs' year. And who did the most damage for the South Side 'Hit' Men in their 4-1 win? A .251 hitter, a .233 hitter and a .250 hitter.

Ryan Dempster proved why he wasn't worth a dime of that multi-million dollar extension as he walked 6 batters en route to making the 2009 White Sox look like the 1927 Yankees and dropping his record dropped to 4-4 this season. Meanwhile, John Danks looked like Steve Carlton as he continuously found holes in the Cubs' bats, punching out 7 hitters to pick up the win. Danks made the Cubs line-up look like it had scrubs such as Aaron Miles, Reed Johnson and Mike Fontenot playing big roles in the game.

Oh wait.

Well, enough from me, let's see what others are saying.

Rick Morrissey thinks Lou Piniella just might shake the sh** out of this line-up:

"It's getting to the point where I'm going to have to start making some tough decisions and get other people in the lineup," Piniella said calmly. "I've been real patient with it, I'll tell you."

If Piniella is looking to jump-start his team, the best thing he can do is move Alfonso Soriano -- both offensively and defensively. His .291 on-base percentage is not helping the Cubs in the leadoff spot. Move him to sixth in the order and bat Ryan Theriot first. Put Jake Fox in left field, knowing you're going to sacrifice some defense (though not much) to get Fox's bat in the lineup, and send Soriano to second base. [Chicago Tribune]

The headline says it all: Nice work by the folks over at South Side Sox with the all-too-apt headline "White Sox Execute Cubs in Series Opener." Oh if it were only that true. Here's what the South Siders had to say.

"Stoney and Hawk heaped gobs of praise in Ozzie Guillen's direction for his brilliant management Wednesday -- I can't deny that he made all the right moves -- but I have to give far more credit to the White Sox execution of that game plan as a reason for the victory. ... While the Cubs and Sox are both clearly struggling offensively this season, the Sox at least looked like they had a solid approach at the plate today. ..." [South Side Sox]

Well, at least both sides have hot fans* in their corner.

* Apparently denotes girls that happen to be sporting a certain team's apparel, most likely based on the appearance of one's backside in baseball pants.

Drunk: The Only Way To Enjoy Chicago Baseball For The Next Three Days

Prediction: You'll be looking like that guy by the top of the third inning.

Chicago's baseball teams are good at being mediocre. With that said, it is hard to fathom enjoying a game that features only one hitter batting higher than .300 (A.J. Pierzynski, .303) and a slew of underachieving former All-Stars all while being sober.

That is why yours truly has invented The Cubs-Sox Drinking Game. As a warning, please enjoy responsibly. Do not drink if you are under the age of 21. Do not drink if you are pregnant or think you are pregnant. Do not attempt to operate machinery or a motor vehicle after drinking.

Proceed with caution.

One Drink

• Whenever you hear the term "Crosstown Classic"
• Whenever the Pierzynski/Barrett fight is brought up
• Whenever "picks to click" are mentioned
• Whenever you hear this overall series is tied
• Alfonso Soriano does his hop-catch routine
• Whenever an Alexei Ramirez swing-and-miss reminds you of a Soriano swing-and-miss
  
• Any mention of new Cubs hitting coach Von Joshua (double if it is mentioned he used to be the Sox hitting instructor)
  

Two Drinks

• Whenever you hear Len Kasper's home run call
• Whenever you hear Bob Brenly provides constructive criticism
• Whenever Steve Stone says "for all you little leaguers at home"
• A player from either team hits a home run
• Whenever Kosuke Fukudome spins in the batters box like a dancing queen
• Any reference about the NL not having a DH or not being allowed to play Jim Thome
  
• Whenever Ozzie Guillen argues with an umpire (double if he gets ejected)
  

Three Drinks

• Whenever you hear Hawk Harrelson's home run call
• Any reference to any player that played for the Cubs and the Sox
• References to Ozzie Guillen bashing Wrigley Field
• Anytime you see a sign that puts down the Cubs or the Sox
• Whenever Lou Piniella argues with an umpire (double if he gets ejected)
  

Finish Your Drink

• Whenever Hawk drops a Carl Yastrzemski reference
• Whenever Hawk complains about the umpiring
  
• Whenever the camera comes across a Cubs-Sox couple
• Whenever the White Sox's 2005 World Championship is mentioned
• Any reference to 'Go Cubs Go' (two drinks if the Cubs win)
  

The Battle For Mayor Daley's Unconditional Love Starts Today At Wrigley Field

Even though they only count for 0.03 percent of the schedule, the six games between the Cubs and White Sox is each hyped as it is Game 7 of the World Series. And with both teams floundering around the .500 mark, these six games might as well serve as some kind of postseason play.

Personally, I always wondered why something more than bragging rights was on display. Maybe a Harry Caray bobble-head should go to the winner of each series. Or the rights to have Steve Stone as an analyst. How about the loser has to lug around Sammy Sosa's boom box around until the next series.

Enough of what I have to say, here's what the rest of the Web is saying about the next installment of mediocre Chicago baseball.

Dan McGrath stirs the pot: "The Cubs have a slightly better record and are a little closer to the division lead as the squads prepare for the first of their two crosstown skirmishes, beginning Tuesday night at Wrigley Field. But I believe the White Sox have a better chance of playing on into October." [Chicago Tribune]

The Big Hurt: Be patient with Bradley: "''Milton shows up in the second half. We wouldn't have gotten to the playoffs in Oakland [in 2006] without him. Don't be too quick to judge Milton Bradley. The guy has a flair for the dramatic. He was a teammate of mine, and I thoroughly enjoyed playing with him.'" [Chicago Sun-Times]

The obligatory "it's just another series" blog post: "Each team's main goal is to win their respective division championships. Considering the fact that the Cubs and Sox are placed in different leagues, the outcome of one team has no bearing on the other. Sure, winning these next three games are important because they count towards the record. But, there is nothing sweeter about beating the Sox than anybody else." [Ekim52 @ MLBlogs]

Alright, kids, play nice. Stay tuned for the TBDS Cubs-Sox drinking game rules.