Prior to April 25, Mock Drafts were all the rage. Kiper. McShay. That guy in your chem lab that with a Ryan Leaf throwback jersey.
But where's the analysis? Leave that to me. Void without sarcasm. (P.S. Enjoy the gratuitous Erin Andrews photo)
1.
Detroit Lions - Matthew Stafford, QB, Georgia. The Lions chose him because they liked his mental make-up. Better schedule another check-up for Mr. Stafford, because anyone who
wants to play for the Lions must be clinically be insane. Even if it comes with $41 million guaranteed.
2.
St. Louis Rams - Jason Smith, OT, Baylor. I understand the Rams were looking to solidify their O-line, but who will Smith be blocking for? Kurt Warner and Marshall Faulk are long gone.
3.
Kansas City Chiefs - Tyson Jackson, DE, LSU. There is nothing I can say here that the ESPN sleeper hype machine hasn't already said.
4.
Seattle Seahawks - Aaron Curry, LB, Wake Forest. Congrats, Aaron, you went from one depressing city to another. At least Seattle has Starbucks, the Space Needle and Ken Griffey Jr.
5.
New York Jets (via trade) - Mark Sanchez, QB, Southern California. Maybe it's just me, but I think one more year studying under Pete Carroll and with USC Song Girls would have been better in the long run.
6.
Cincinnati Bengals - Andre Smith, OL, Alabama. Just what the Bungals needed, another problem child. At this point, if Cincy added Pac Man Jones and Plaxico Burress, they would need to make the team's pads out of tephlon.
7.
Oakland Raiders - Darrius Hayward-Bey, WR, Maryland. As fast as DHB is, the only thing that will come faster are the bust labels.
8.
Jacksonville Jaguars - Eugene Monroe, OL, Virginia. I thought the Jags would go with Michael Crabtree here, to give David Garrard another target. Doesn't matter, last year he proved how much more he liked to throw it to the other team.
9.
Green Bay Packers - B.J. Raji, DL, Boston College. The new punishment for failing a drug test is having to spend your winters in Green Bay, Wisc. Wait, you say he
didn't fail a drug test. We'll I'll be darned.
10.
San Francisco 49ers - Michael Crabtree, WR, Texas Tech. Luckily for Al Davis and Raider Nation, the wide reciever Oakland
should have taken is conveniently found just across the Golden Gate Bridge.
11.
Buffalo Bills - Aaron Maybin, DE, Penn State. "F*ck the state pen, I f*ck h**s at Penn State." - Biggie Smalls'd
12.
Denver Broncos - Knowshon Moreno, RB, Georgia. Two things are guaranteed to happen. 1) Moreno rushes for 2,000 yards next season (if he can jump ahead of the other 750 running backs in Denver). 2) Kyle Orton will become a Hall of Fame quarterback.
13.
Washington Redskins - Brian Orakpo, DE, Texas. D.C. has a black president and a black quarterback. Only in America!
14.
New Orleans Saints - Michael Jenkins, CB, Ohio State. Who knew Saints management knew what defense was.
15.
Houston Texans - Brian Cushing, LB, Southern California. Another team that seems to have found the cure to being allergic to defense.
16.
San Diego Chargers - Larry English, DE, Northern Illinois. The Chargers fill the void of having a Northern Illinois Huskie alum left behind when Michael Turner bolted for Atlanta.
17.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (via trade) - Josh Freeman, QB, Kansas State. No truth to the rumor that SIU head basketball coach Chris Lowery recruited the future Buccaneer back-up to be the team's third Freeman next season.
18.
Denver Broncos (via trade) - Robert Ayers, DE, Tennessee. This pick originally belonged to the Chicago Bears. Why yes, I would rather have Jay Cutler. Thanks, Denver.
19.
Philadelphia Eagles - Jeremy Maclin, WR, Missouri. The Iggles were prepared to trade out of this pick before Donovan McNabb stormed the draft room and held the draft room hostage until they drafted him a friend.
20.
Detroit Lions (via trade) - Brandon Pettigrew, TE, Oklahoma State. The Lions got this pick from Dallas, who really could have used this to rebuild some of its soft spots. A great value choice ... now if they can only get that kind of value out of a Ford car...
21.
Cleveland Browns (via trade) - Alex Mack, C, California. I can't believe someone drafted that chick from that old nickelodeon show to be an NFL O-lineman. Whoda thunk it?
22.
Minnesota Vikings - Percy Harvin, WR, Florida. I knew he was versatile, but I didn't know the Vikings would be implementing the Wildcat offense with Harvin as their QB.
23.
Baltimore Ravens (via trade) - Michael Oher, OT, Ole Miss. No punchline here. Good kid. good story. I got nothing.
24.
Atlanta Falcons - Perria Jerry, DL, Ole Miss. I didn't know the Rebels fielded a team after Eli Manning left the team. Good for them!
25.
Miami Dolphins - Vontae Davis, CB, Illinois. At this point in the draft, I'm still trying to figure out how a Northern Illinois player was drafted ahead of a player from the Fighting Illini. Jerry Kill must be the man.
26.
Green Bay Packers (via trade) - Clay Matthews, LB, Southern California. Poor guy has to go from summer with the Song Girls to winter in Green Bay. Sorry, man.
27.
Indianapolis Colts - Donald Brown, RB, UConn. Wait, UConn has a football team?
28.
Buffalo Bills - Eric Wood, C, Louisville. The Bills just went back in time to 1998 and ordered 3,000 "We Got Wood" shirts from the Cubs.
29.
New York Giants - Hakeem Nicks, WR, North Carolina. Giants management must have heard Brandon Jacobs' comments about Braylon Edwards not being able to catch. Here's hoping BJacobs is spot on and Hakeem can be "The Dream" receiver they had with Plax.
30.
Tennessee Titans - Kenny Britt, WR, Rutgers. Vince Young and Kerry Collins are licking their chops for this big play target. How long 'til Britt is hanging out with VY's crew?
31.
Arizona Cardinals - Chris "Beanie" Wells, RB, Ohio State. If Wells went to an SEC school rather than a Big 10 school, he would have been a top-15 pick. Instead, his affiliation with tOSU dropped his draft stock. Maybe he should have invested in sweatervests.
32.
Pittsburgh Steelers - Ziggy Hood, DT, Missouri. There's a reason the Pittsburgh Steelers won the Super Bowl last year: They've got guys with cool names. Guys like Santonio, Limas, Roethlishotdogpolishberger, Ziggy are championship-caliber names.
Check out The Big Dead Sidebar on Monday for more draft news, notes, analysis and overall ripping of your favorite teams and players.
