If Illinois wins a contest and nobody cares about it, does it really happen?

ESPN has caught a lot of crap from me because of its own stupid gimmicks.

Did anyone out there think Who's Now? was a great idea. I still don't know who won it, and even though I have all the technology in the world at my fingertips and some time to burn, I don't care to find out.

So when the World Wide Leader pegged Illinois as the Mount Rushmore of Sports, I had mixed feelings. This Chicago native is pleased to get some Midwest love from the Eastern Seaboard Programming Network. And I guess that whole ESPNchicago.com idea might try to soften the blow of not seeing any Chicago highlights unless it involves Derrick Rose breaking Andre Miller's ankles.

Either way, Illinois ... technically Chicago ... is the winner. I guess this constitutes why southern Illinoisans think Chicago should be its own state.

Michael Jordan: The Greatest Basketball Player Of All Time has only been south of I-80 to take his son to U of I.

Walter Payton: The Greatest Football Player Of All Time starred for the Chicago Bears.

Ernie Banks: The Greatest Shortstop Of All Time now that A-Rod's an admitted PEDphile starred on the North Side of Chicago. Did you know Illinois is split between Cardinals and Cubs fans? Half of the state can't be happy with this.

Mike Ditka: Look at that mug up top. That's the mug of a mountain right there.

So there you have it sports fans, the Mount Rushmore of Chicago ... er ... Illinois ... Sports!

'Ridiculous' Rick Morrisey at it again

Chicago Tribune columnist Rick Morrisey has solved the Chicago Cubs issues with a most genius plot.

No more nice guys.

Take it away, Rick.

Jake Peavy once fired Agent of Darkness Scott Boras. This suggests a man with fine judgment and perhaps even a good heart.

Thus, he was the last guy the Cubs should have been pursuing during the recently concluded winter meetings.

That's right, the last guy the Cubs should have been pursuing. What team in their right mind would try to find a slot in their rotation for a pitcher one season removed from a 19-6 record an a Cy Young Award.

Oh by the way, Scott Boras gets along with the Cubs quite well. For the record.

I know: You never can have enough good pitchers. The mere thought of Peavy joining Carlos Zambrano, Ryan Dempster, Rich Harden and Ted Lilly had Cubs fans searching for the "It's Gonna Happen" T-shirts they had vowed to donate to Goodwill.

But Peavy is not coming to the Cubs, and trust me on this one, it's a good thing. The Cubs need a few nasty characters on the roster, and Peavy's dismissal of Boras automatically disqualifies him. It shows a fatal streak of rationality.

Rationality? What was Big Z's reasoning behind beating the absolute heck out of teammate Michael Barrett? Where was Lilly's rationality behind punching out his manager in Toronto? It looks like the Cubs have a few go-getters on their starting rotation already.

No, as we have been saying all along, the Cubs are too nice, too soft, too upstanding. We could use unfriendliness, hard edges and even a little villainy, within reason.

Which leads us to the two not-so-gentle men the Cubs should sign, Milton Bradley and Randy Johnson.

I can't wait 'til Morrisey starts writing columns bitching about how media un-friendly the Cubs are. And how they would be a great story if they were only more quotable.

I'll go on and say I agree with signing Milton Bradley, not because he's a nut case. But because he is a switch-hitter who hit 22 homers, posted a .436 on-base percentage and can play all three outfield positions.

Let's move forward and see Rick's rationale behind The Big Unit.

Johnson might be 45, but it's a mean 45. This is a guy who hits batters who dare try to bunt on him. After being traded to the Yankees three years ago, he pushed aside a TV camera and yelled at the cameraman. Every side of the bed is the wrong side of the bed when Johnson gets up in the morning.

Signing the Unit would have been a great idea, say, 10 years ago when he was approaching his prime. Instead, the Cubs took their chances on riding a youngster named Kerry Wood who would later blow out his arm beginning a torturous tenure with the Cubs. Johnson went on to win a World Championship with Mark Grace, Bob Brenly and the Arizona Diamondbacks.

Just saying.

The Cubs did not lose last year because their starting rotation lacked someone like Peavy. They lost because they needed a left-handed hitter, some speed and more people who wouldn't freak out in the spotlight. So forget about Peavy. They don't need another starter, unless he comes with some sort of personality disorder and would get hives inside the Cubs' janitor's closet of a clubhouse.

A question: who would you have rather started Game 1 against the Dodgers. Ryan Dempster or Jake Peavy, who owns a career 13-1 mark against L.A. with a 2.32 ERA and 1.01 WHIP in 22 games. Just wondering.

Hold on a second. A Google search shows Peavy was arrested in January 2007 after double-parking his car outside Mobile (Ala.) Regional Airport.

"The airport police told him he couldn't park there, and he said, 'Write me up a ticket, and I'll pay for it,' " Padres general manager Kevin Towers said at the time. "He was arrested."

Disregard for authority? A certain haughtiness? Maybe we have been a little hasty in dismissing him.

So, Rick, you're basically telling me I wasted my time reading your column.

Eh, what else is new?

Kevin Gregg Reactions (Hint: Not Good)

Alright, I'm pretty sure you all are sick of my bitching about this Kerry Wood situation. And to be honest, I really can't blame you.

So rather than venting (again), I'll allow the rest of the media world to do it for me.

ESPN's Keith Law notes that Cubs GM Jim Hendry got hosed by the Marlins, again.

"Getting Jose Ceda for one year of Kevin Gregg is a heist for Florida, and could really end up as a disaster for the Cubs, given how they intend to realign their pen. They may use Gregg in the setup role, even though there's not much reason to anticipate he'll be more than a middle reliever in performance. Gregg has an average arsenal, sinker-slider-split, and other than occasionally running the fastball up to 94 doesn't have a plus pitch. His control is below-average, with 72 unintentional walks over the last two years in 152 innings, and only a fluky-low home run rate in 2008 kept his ERA under 4. He's not quite Antonio Alfonseca redux, but he's no replacement for Kerry Wood, either."

I lived through the Alfon-suck fest era. Thanks Jim for exposing it to us again.

Dave Cameron of FanGraphs says the deal could cost the Cubs a couple wins in 2009:

"Considering the leverage that closers get, it’s fair to say that the difference between Wood and Gregg could be 1-2 wins in 2009. I’m not sure the Cubs are in a position to be giving away wins like that. For a contending team with a big payroll, they should have done a lot better for their new relief ace."

MLB.com's Jonathan Mayo draws the comparison of Lee Smith - former Cub who went on to be the all-time saves leader until Trevor Hoffman came around. That's exactly what Cubs fans wanted to hear:

"Ceda, who'll be just 22 in January, resembles a young Lee Smith. He's 6-foot-4 and 275 pounds, and looks the part of an intimidating short reliever. He throws plenty hard, with a fastball that sits comfortably in the upper 90s and has hit triple digits in the past. His slider has sharpened considerably since he began working in relief in 2007."

FOX baseball midget Ken Rosenthal talks to a scout that compares Ceda to the good version of Armando Benitez. Ugh!

"Many in the industry were surprised by the Cubs' willingness to part with Class AA right-hander Jose Ceda for one year of righty Kevin Gregg. Ceda, 6-foot-4 and 275 pounds, is a big, strong reliever with dominating power stuff. "He looks like Armando Benitez," one exec says. From a scouting perspective, that's a compliment."

So let me get this straight. The Cubs gave up years of having control of a 22-year old fireball throwing Lee Smith-Armando Benitez hybrid for a 30-year-old Antonio Alfonseca (with the proper amount of fingers and toes) who had problems pitching in one of baseball's most pitcher friendly parks?

Sounds like a great trade to me!

See friends, it's not always the 100 years of suck that have Cubs fans willing to blow their brains out. Sometimes, it's how they go about it.

Photo Credit: Baseball-Almanac.com

Cubs cut ties with Wood, prepare to usher in a new era of suck

We'll miss you, Kerry. Photo: NY Times

If 100 years of bad baseball wasn't enough, it appears as if the Chicago Cubs are ready to ring in a new era of suck starting from the top.

That's right. I'm talking to you Jim Hendry.

After acquiring Kevin Gregg in a trade with the Florida Marlins, Hendry announced that the Cubs were cutting ties with Kerry Wood, one of the franchise's most popular players.

Not only is this a terrible move for a team on the brink of something special last season, it's a piss-poor move for a team that should be looking to appease a fan base that was teased with a 97-win season only to fall flat on its face when the playoffs rolled around.

It's a move that doesn't make sense, not now. Heck, I'm not sure if it ever will.

Saying that there isn't enough money to give the face of the franchise while also trying to find a multi-year deal for Ryan Dempster - who wasn't willing to negotiate during the exclusive negotiating period - is just wrong. It's that kind of treatment of core players, whether it was Mark Grace when he became a free agent or Greg Maddux when his time came around, that has Cubs fans crying and pleading for Mark Cuban to take ownership as soon as possible.

It won't happen. Because good things aren't destined to happen to the Cubs or their fans.

So it's not worth even continuing with this post.

I just wanted to prepare Cubs fans for an offseason of bad decision making, which should adequately prepare baseball's most tortured fan for another late-season letdown.

And no, trading for Jake Peavy isn't the cure-all.

We're talking about patience, people

Seriously, what's the deal with the Chicago Cubs and the idea of patience.

Earlier, I chronicled the idiocy that came out of left fielder Alfonso Soriano's mouth following the NorthSide Nine's most recent playoff flop.

Now general manager Jim Hendry is opening his flap.

Yeah, the headline really says it all: Cubs GM Jim Hendry: Be patient.

Jim, was that really necessary. You know, the idea of asking a fan base that hasn't seen a World Series at Wrigley Field since 1945 or a World Series winner since 1908 to be patient.

That's like asking a turtle to slow down.

See, Hendry's job is to stockpile talent to make the team a winner.

If he waits, there won't be any game-changing talent left on the open market.

Sometimes, this franchise just doesn't make sense to me.

Aramis Ramirez reels in postseason award

Chicago Cubs third baseman Aramis Ramirez didn't let a 2-for-22 postseason slide stop him from making a presence during Game 4 of the World Series Sunday night.

Technically, it was before.

Ramirez received The Hank Aaron Award, which is given to "the most outstanding performers" in each league.

I guess this means Albert Pujols can't win every award, right?

As good as Rami was in 2008, he wasn't even the best offensive third baseman in the league.

That distinction should go to New York Mets third sacker David Wright who hit .302 with 33 homers and 124 runs batted in.

But how do you not give the award to Pujols? It's almost inconceivable.

It would be easy to blame the fans that voted for Youk and Rami, but it'd be better to blame Cardinal Nation - baseball's self-proclaimed best fans - for not stuffing the ballot box for Phat Albert.

In the end, it doesn't matter because Ramirez isn't winning anything important tonight or in the near future.

As for Pujols he already has what Ramirez wants in his back pocket (an NL MVP ) and on his hand (a World Series ring).

And after batting .357 with a .425 OBP, .624 SLG% with 37 home runs and 116 RBIs, Pujols will likely take home his second NL MVP award at the conclusion of this baseball season.

As long as MLB doesn't allow fans to vote for that now, too.

The stupidest statement ever

As a writer I pride myself on being able to convey ideas through written language.

For the following blog however, there are no words.

Two radio hosts, lets call them Chris Baker and Langdon Perry and lets say they work at KTLK in Minneapolis, said the most outlandish statement in the history of sports.

Yes, even more outlandish than Jay Bilas' famous Tyler Hansbrough can out-compete Michael Jordan comment.

Baker and Langdon said...brace yourself...Magic Johnson is faking his AIDS.

I didn't actually listen to this broadcast, but I can't fathom how two people can get to that point in a conversation. What could possibly be the thought process?

'Hey, who has a terrible disease but seems pretty healthy? Magic Johnson does, maybe too healthy in fact, I bet he is faking it, lets tell everyone that.

At least Magic isn't taking this lightly. According to this story, Johnson issued a statement that pretty much educated these two radio talk show hosts that AIDS kills millions of people and actually is not all that funny.

Who would have thought?

I don't think these two should be sued or fired or even have to apologize. I think they should play a high stakes game of one-on-one with the Magic Man.

If they beat him, well then they get off the hook, but if they lose then they have to pay full tuition to go to Harvard graduate school where they must be accepted. Then they must write a 300+ page dissertation on HIV/AIDS after going through the complete doctoral program.

I figure that doctoral program would take more than four years and by the time they are out, they will owe hundreds of thousands of dollars in loans and be a tad more educated on a serious disease.

I got your back Magic, and so do the Red Hot Chili Peppers

Now that those slanderous issues are out of the way, it's time to examine once again why the Chicago Bulls should have taken Michael Beasley over Derrick Rose.

The Miami Heat took on the New Jersey Nets and lost 109-105, but the Beez put down 21 points and grabbed seven rebounds. He showed his range as he hit a few mid-range jumpers over the fingers of defenders. He didn't have the best game, but still produced, which is the mark of a great player in the making.

Derrick Rose put up in 10 points in 27 minutes of action against the Dallas Mavericks. Of course it's too early to tell how Rose will turn out, but the fact he had five turnovers is worrisome. Rose can finish at the rim, which is what the Bulls need for sure, but he can't shoot well and if he struggles passing, then it could be a long year for this team.

Either way, I think Beasley is going to prove himself as the best player in the '08 draft

ESPN commenter named valedictorian of summer school

See this is why people are (or at least should be) losing respect for ESPN.

"Game ball goes to Scola. In a losing effort he was easily the best player on the floor." -- haze1205

28 points and 11 rebounds is fine and dandy, but Luis Scola isn't even considered the best player on the court when he's the only player on it.

I'm not sure who to blame more: the commenter, who seems ready to put Luis Scola into the debate of greatest Olympian ever or ESPN, who decided to make this a featured comment.

That's like saying Jason Marquis is a better pitcher than Fergie Jenkins because Marquis won a World Series with the Cardinals while Jenkins was unable to do so with the Cubs (and other teams).

That's just stupid. People like that should really have their computers (and the porn that's on them) seized.

ESPN Featured Comment Of The Week [Deadspin]