Ten Ways To Exile Kevin Gregg

Last night's game-losing blast actually did land on the moon. Say, is that Albert Pujols' ball off Brad Lidge from the NLCS???

In a move that has "too little, too late" written all over it, Kevin Gregg has been exiled from the ninth inning and has been reassigned to blow games in the sixth, seventh or eighth innings rather than the ninth.

But for me, and most Cubs fans with half a brain, that's not enough. Gregg has got to go. For good. Yes, his contract expires at the end of the year, but at this point of the season, year end can't come soon enough.

In the meantime, here are 10 ways we can get Gregg gone from Chicago.

10. Implications of steroid use. Manny Ramirez caught a 50 game suspension earlier in the season, and one of those suspensions would serve the Cubs' bullpen well right now. If someone can throw a syringe or two in Gregg's locker, have a package marked 'HGH' sent to his home or inject him while under the cover of night, he'd be as good as gone.

It's too bad he doesn't take performance enhancers. After this season's performance, maybe he should.

9. Tie him to Mike Vick's dogfighting ring. As I said last night via Twitter, "Kevin Gregg is to Cub fans what Mike Vick was to dogs: Cruel & Inhumane." He's blown six saves, given up three game-winning home runs and leads NL relievers with 12 home runs allowed -- which is two more than he's allowed in the last two seasons.

If someone can link between Gregg's cruel and unreasonable treatment of Cubs fans with Bad Newz Kennels, Roger Goodell would bitch-slap Bud Selig and suspend Gregg himself.

8. One night with Dirty 30. Here's the plan: 1. Hit Gregg with frying pan, make sure he is knocked out. 2. Put blonde wig and eye-liner on passed out Gregg. 3. Send him to a New York area bar with Dirty 30. Watch the sparks fly. Opposing hitters might only be hitting .229 this year against Gregg, but everyone knows Dirty 30 is always batting 1.000!

7. One night as R. Kelly's wing man. Yeah, Kellz beat his case, but someone who sings the lyric, "Shorty if you're thirsty, I got the good, good lemonade" in a song is disturbed. If Kellz can get Gregg on a remix (not sure why, but hang with me here), it won't be long until a blurry video surfaces alleging Kevin Gregg of giving and 14-year-old girl some of his lemonade.

6. One night with Donte Stallworth. Seriously, how does a man who gets behind the wheel of a car drunk, kill a man and only get 24 days in jail. Yet, Mike Vick, who ponies up some money for a dogfighting ring gets thrown to the wolves. This is what's wrong with the American punishment system. There is no way I can justify giving money for a dog-fighting ring as a worse offense than killing an innocent bystander while driving drunk.

5. A Plaxification. Picture this: Kevin Gregg goes to the club wearing sweatpants and accidentally shoots himself with the thing that was supposed to protect him.

4. Take him on the Maury show. Kevin Gregg has screwed the Cubs and their fans all year. So, who's to say he hasn't done the same with some hoochies looking to get a few dozen free paternity tests because they don't know which of these 27 guys is her baby's daddy.

A few trips to the Maury Show in New York should tie up some of his time.

3. Use a time travel device (part one). Go back in time. Bring the crazy Lou Piniella into 2009. Let him attack Kevin Gregg like he attacked Rob Dibble. Make sure all evidence points to Aaron Miles. Ensure Miles gets charged for murder.

It's too bad we know Aaron Miles' defense attorneys will bring up the very valid point that Miles can't hit anything.

2. Use a time travel device (part two). Warn Jim Hendry of a future of Kevin Gregg allowing game-losing gopher balls. And with each run Gregg allows that season, tell Hendry that 1,000 donut shops are closed in each city baseball is played in.

Then, there's no way Hendry makes this trade.

1. Use a time travel device (part three). One word: Abortion.

A Message To Jim Hendry

Ryan Dempster sucks. Kevin Gregg sucks. Aaron Heilman sucks.

Carlos Zambrano is on the DL. Rich Harden is behind schedule in joining him. Randy Wells is approaching the innings pitched danger zone as a rookie.


The Cubs have holes in the rotation and in the bullpen. Yet, there is apparently no interest from the Chicago Cubs in free-agent John Smoltz. But the Cardinals do.

All they would have to do is pay the pro-rated minimum.

That's it.

If they can't do that done because of "impending ownership change" then let's fold the tents over at Clark & Addison and contract the damn team.

Jim Hendry, you suck harder than all of the losers I mentioned in line one. If I was Tom Ricketts, I'd have a nice message waiting on your voicemail for you....

Here's One For Chris Lowery's Bulletin Board: SIU Ranked No. 117

Not sure what to say here other than this preview couldn't be more off if it tried. It makes the NFL Previews at this blog look like they weren't written in jest and for fun.

Yes, I'll admit the Southern Illinois University men's basketball team isn't what it once was, especially when compared to the most recent Sweet Sixteen squad. Head coach Chris Lowery doesn't have a pair of seniors anchoring the backcourt, or two juniors up front that thrived when being fed by the little guys. Instead, Lowery has another young group of hungry kids looking to make their mark on Floorburn U.

I'll be brief with this because I do have a very premature and misguided post previewing the Saluki basketball season in the works. Instead, here is why this post should be balled up and shot like a basketball into your nearest trash bin.

If only you could do such a thing with the Internet:

If the Salukis could bring back the Tony Boyle that averaged 13.5 points and 7.0 rebounds in his last four games, I'm sure they would do so without asking twice.

Southern Illinois Basketball Preview [Collegehoops.net]

Kane Says He is Sorry, Now What?

The cab driver incident earlier this month involving Chicago Blackhawks' young star Patrick Kane has taken a few interesting turns since it was first reported. The 20-year-old Kane, and his cousin, allegedly punched the driver and took back money after he didn't have 20 cents change to give them. Kane was arrested and charged with robbery and other counts.

Well, both sides have said the incident was overblown. We don't know what more will come out of this on the legal side. Yet, what I know, is that this will remain on the minds of Kane fans across the country. Kane gave a public apology today as he begins the U.S. Olympic training camp. He is an upcoming star in the NHL, on a Blackhawks team that is one of the better stories this league has seen in a long time.

Chicago was one of the worst teams a few years ago, and now they are a talented team poised for another postseason berth following last season's semifinal appearance. Yet, this offseason has been far from a solid story. The Hawks' have dealt with all sorts of issues, and the Kane incident tops them all. This should not get Kane in too much legal trouble, I wouldn't think, but this cannot be overlooked.

Kane is sorry, but what does that mean? The idea of being in the "wrong place at the wrong time" has come up, but what does that mean? Both these things seem like childish responses to an immature act. That fits well because he is only 20 years old.

He will remain a top player in the NHL for years to come, he may become a U.S. Olympian, and he will still help lead the Blackhawks to more playoff appearances. Yet, he is not a captain like fellow young Chicago star Jonathan Toews is, that is for sure.

Kane is still learning what it takes to be a top athlete under the spotlight. This incident, even if nothing happens with it, is something that hurts his image very early in his career. No, he did not kill somebody or take part in a dog fighting ring, but this is still another example of an athlete that needs to grow up.

There are plenty of Chicago Blackhawks fans nowadays, young and old. Kane better understand that, and make sure he watches himself before being in "the wrong place at the wrong time."

Power Rankings: Ranking The 2009 Cubs

Come grab some bench next to Sweet Uncle Lou...if you feel lucky. Punk.

After a weekend in Chicago, I thought today would be a good day to premier a special edition of Power Rankings. It is likely I will do this for the other Chicago teams I write about (Bears, Bulls) once their respective seasons roll around.

We'll work our way from the bottom up, shall we?

The Bottom 10

1. Kevin Gregg - I tried to be nice, but never again. The next time I write something nice about you will be if/when you deliver the final out that clinches a playoff spot, playoff game win, playoff series win, pennant-clinching or World Series-clinching win. Or whenever Luke over at Breakfast For The Block tells me you're no longer stinking up the joint.

2. Carlos Marmol - Throw f*cking strikes. I'm sick of this act. The 3.56 ERA is decent, but the 1.49 WHIP has got to go. So do the 11 hit batsmen. So do the 52 walks in just over 55.2 innings. I wouldn't mind if the Marmolade got a tweak of flavoring in Iowa ... or force feed him Greg Maddux footage of not walking people. Or both.

3. Ryan Dempster - You've been nothing but a disappointment since signing a four-year, $52 million deal in the offseason. You might have roofied fooled Jim Hendry, but you're not fooling me or my fellow Cubs fans. Your WHIP, H/9, HR/9 and ERA are all significantly higher. Your K/9, K/BB and likability are all down. Long story short, pitch like last year or go back to Canada.

4. Aaron Heilman - Can you believe Jim Hendry traded two guys to acquire Heilman from Seattle? Sure, Garrett Olson isn't lighting the world on fire and Ronnie Cedeno is still Ronnie Cedeno. But giving up two warm bodies for Aaron Frickin' Heilman is a fireable offense in my book.

5. Aaron Miles - You should go on the disabled list not because you're hurt, but because your inability to play baseball at a level that is worth a damn makes you a liability for this team. Go back to St. Louis, I'm sure Tony LaRussa needs a designated driver. Too bad you don't meet height requirements.

6. Jeff Samardzija - $10 million guaranteed (guaranteed!!!) for a guy who isn't even playing the sport he's actually good at. Is there a way the Cubs can trade him to the Bears? That's not a joke or a punchline. Get Jeff Spellcheck some pads, a helmet and a jersey with a number in the 80s and send him out to Bourbonnais.

7. Mike Fontenot - The other half of the Cajun Connection has either forgotten how to hit or has forgotten to eat his Wheaties in the morning. There's only room for one little person to do well, and your LSU buddy Ryan Theriot has that covered. Now, go get me some Cajun food goodness and a couple of those drop-dead gorgeous Southern Belle's I covet.

Now!

8. Sean Marshall - I have nothing against Marshall outside of the fact that he has absolutely been torched in August. A 2.667 WHIP is higher than the WHIPs he posted in the last two months combined. Sean, I like you, a lot. No homo. Just hide for the rest of the month and I'm sure you'll get your act together.

9. Neal Cotts - I don't care that you're not on the Cubs anymore. Your DL stint is without a doubt one of this season's highlights as far as I'm concerned. You need to find a new way to make an honest living, because pitchin' ain't easy.

10. Koyovany Sohill - Yeah, I combined the two scrub catchers we got on this team. Each is hitting .225 and have combined for 12 homers and 44 RBIs. That sucks. Plain and simple. I'd feel a lot better if certain members of the pitching staff could be handled a lot better than they have been.

Honorable Mention: Carlos Zambrano - Seriously, Big Z, get it together. Now. Not now, but right now. You're in the second year of a $91.5 million extension and you admit to not working hard. I'm not sure how to feel about that.

You've got a 3.35 ERA and a 7-4 record despite leading the starting rotation in walks allowed (57). Your WHIP shouldn't be 1.350. Should not. Go back to the 2004, 2005, or 2006 Big Z. The Big Z that wanted to pile-drive Jim Edmonds as he admired a popout to right field. The Big Z that used Michael Barrett as a punching bag and made him like it.

Allow me to speak for Cubs fans when I say, will the Real Big Z please stand up!

Here are the guys that aren't royally screwing the pooch. For the most part.

1. Derrek Lee - After a slow start, the slugging first baseman has done just that. In the season's first month, he OPSed .537, but has seen it rise in each month and currently stands at .910 thanks in large part to a steaming hot July in which he hit 9 HRs and 6 doubles en route to a 1.028 OPS in July.

2. Ryan Theriot - Early in the season, Theriot experimented with a power stroke that was reminiscent of the music career of a one-hit wonder. Since being lambasted constantly for abandoning his natural opposite-field swing by Bob Brenly, Theriot has re-gained his stroke and his eye at the plate.

3. Randy Wells - Sad, but true, Wells has been the Cubs' most consistent starting pitcher this year. His 1.196 WHIP ranks second among starters (behind Ted Lilly's 1.154) and third on the team. His 9-5 record and 3.01 earned run average make him a darkhorse candidate for NL Rookie of the Year.

4. Kosuke Fukudome - Saying K-Fuk has emerged as the teams' lead-off man is like saying Drake has a bright future in hip-hop. Fukudome's stats when leading off a game (.438/.571/.875/1.446) with five walks and seven hits. He's also silenced critics who said his offensive stats would fall off as he has shifted to center, thanks to a .283 batting average, .889 OPS and a .330 BAbip when playing center.

5. Rich Harden - Just look at his last 28 days, shall we? Record be damned (1-1), Harden can boast a 2.32 ERA, 40-11 strikeout-to-walk ratio, 0.871 WHIP in 31 innings. He might make for a fine closer one day, but right now, it is Harden who is pitching like a front-of-the-rotation starter.

6. Angel Guzman - The Goose has been the most reliable reliever for Lou Piniella, which makes him something like the valedictorian of summer school. He sports the best WHIP on the team (0.981) and makes wearing goggles cool. Unlike some jackasses...

7. Jake Fox - Cubs fans, you want Mark DeRosa? Here he is. Fox owns an .896 OPS and eight homers as a starter. He's played first, third, left, right and even caught in a pinch. If Larry Rothschild was Dave Duncan, he would have taught the kid a slider and a splitter and would be toiling in middle relief. If Ivan DeJesus could teach him how to play second base, he might actually be savior worthy.

8. Tom Gorzelanny - In his two wins as a Cubs starting pitcher, he's tossed 12.1 innings, struck out 14 batters while only walking four, and has a 0.826 WHIP. As we head into September, he's the wild-card and could lead the Cubs into the postseason if he keeps this up.

9. Jeff Baker - Who? How? Just check out what he did last week with his slash stats: .526/.571/.737/1.308. His lone homer as a Cub came as a 21st birthday gift to friend-of-the-program, Barton Lorimor. Big ups to a Baker I might come around to liking if he keeps this up.

10. Milton Bradley - The last month or so have been mighty fine for Crazy Uncle Milton. Public Enemy No. 1 has hit .414, on-based .469 and OPSed .986 since settling into the two-hole. His batsh*t crazy personality might be able to distract some teams as the Cubs try to sneak into a playoff spot.

Cutler Era Has Begun (sort of!), But Funny That It Comes Day After Orton's Debacle

Has there been a more exciting start to the Chicago Bears preseason? Granted, the Cubs and Sox are still barely hanging on to solid playoff hopes, so the focus in Chicago should still be on the diamond. Yet, with all the talk surrounding the Bears' trade for Cutler, there must be plenty of focus on their first game tonight in Buffalo.

Plus, things are falling into the Bears' laps right now. Terrell Owens is out for this game with a toe injury, so the attention of the NFL is going to be on Cutler. Thank goodness...isn't a reality t.v. show for Owens enough?

Also, look at Kyle Orton's game last night with Denver. Orton, traded for Cutler in the offseason, threw three interceptions in four series. He has already received boos from the crowd during training camp, and if the game was in the Mile High City as opposed to San Francisco, there would have been plenty more hateful remarks coming his way during the game .

That horrible start sets up Cutler and the Bears pretty well. For one weekend, at least, a good Cutler performance in the first quarter will make everybody feel the trade was in Chicago's favor.

There are a few things that may get in Cutler's way. Does he have someone to throw the ball to? Apparently, guys like Earl Bennett have performed well and Devin Hester has developed. We will see how that goes tonight in Buffalo. Is the O-line ready to improve? Plus, the Bears remain a running team. I would hope that the offense does not revolve solely around Cutler because someone named Matt Forte may have a breakout year in the backfield.

Either way, this should be fun. Maybe the name Sid Luckman will go away, as the Bears finally have another QB that everybody loves and admires. We'll see how it turns out, but one thing is for sure. Yes, it is preseason and it will always be preseason, yet the excitement is still there going into tonight's game.

There may have also been some excitement in Denver, but after last night, it may not be for Orton anymore. Chris Simms is waiting for the starting job with the Broncos. Jay Cutler certainly has that job in Chicago.

Mike Vick + Philly = Bad Newz

Check my college transcripts, I'm no mathematician, but Mike Vick signing with the Philadelphia Eagles cannot equal a happy ending.

Or can it?

Sure, Vick does give the Eagles a viable back-up quarterback once Week 10 rolls around when Donovan McNabb, who lobbied for the signing (video below via With Leather), hits the injured list with a bruised ego. But that's if (and only if) Vick hasn't put on 50 pounds of prison weight or that his prison time hasn't helped him hone his skills as a wide receiver.

(Yeah, I went there)

If McNabb is healthy for an entire season (fat chance) then head coach Andy Reid could really earn his paycheck by implementing some sort of Wildcat offense hybrid with McNabb, Vick and DeSean Jackson in the backfield. Defenses would be more confused than Lindsay Lohan after she leaves rehab.

On the other hand, Vick is going to Philly. And Philly fans make drunk, stupid Cubs fans look like saints with their behavior.

They've booed Santa. They throw batteries like the Black Sox threw ball games. They carry laser pointers to baseball games. The were pissed at last year's World Series result because the Phillies won it in five games rather than four.

One Mike Vick miscue, a silly drunk and one righteous animal activist could start a fan war that would pale in comparison to anything Cubs-Cardinals, Red Sox-Yankees, Duke-Carolina and Michigan-Ohio State could put on. Realize the PETA people are the same ones that shook their heads when President Obama swatted a fly.

Vick might need more help than Derrick Rose on an entrance exam.

And that is why I won't turn my eye away from this soon-to-be trainwreck.

And The 2009 Cubs Season Is Ova

So this mean's it's Jay Cutler season, right?

Finding The Culprit

Much has been made of the Chicago Police Department's effort to find The Culprit. No, not Crazy Uncle Milton. The guy who threw that beer cup at Shane Victorino. Now, the swift, switch-hitting center fielder is filing a formal complaint and all of a sudden, Steve Bartman is no longer the most hated Cubs fan in team history.

And from the comfort of being in front of a computer screen, I think I found the guy.

Doesn't this guy (via Deadspin)



... look a lot like this guy .... (via HJE)



Even Hire Jim Essian agrees, no matter the case, Mend My Heart guy should definitely get locked up.

Cub Notes: Because Analysis Ain't Overrated

Something to ponder before you go hunting for fans that deserve to be hunted down.

Wood, Gregg among baseball's worst closers. Kevin Gregg has taken a lot of heat from Cubs fans, especially the one at this blog, for his inability to get three outs in the ninth without giving up eight runs in the process. And while many Cub fans yearned for Kerry Wood's return -- things wouldn't necessarily have been better off.

RotoAuthority.com ranks baseball's worst ninth inning options, and you won't believe who you'll find there.

Wood ranks in the bottom five among closers in earned run average (4.23), WHIP (1.38), highest home run rate (1.58) and save percentage (75 percent). Gregg ranks among the worst in save percentage (81.5 percent) and HR rate (1.84).

And while I owe Jim Hendry somewhat of an apology for letting go of Wood, it would have been somewhat of a consolation to get draft picks for him rather than to let him go for nothing by not offering him arbitration. As for Gregg, who has given up more home runs this year (11) than he did the last two years combined (10), he had no place on this roster to begin with.

Hendry: I don't expect to make this team any better

Chicago Sun-Times beat writer Gordon Wittenmyer caught up with the Cubs GM (presumably at a donut shop ... where else are you gonna find GM Jim?) recently, only to find out that it looks like the Cubs are standing pat.

Hendry said he's checked the waiver wires for available players daily, ''and there was nothing that made any sense. And I'm not anticipating that it probably would. Hopefully, we're going to survive the injuries.''

Maybe if Hendry checked this blog, he might find some players that do make sense.

No changes? I don't understand why not. This team hasn't won a series from an opponent with a record above the .500 since May and has gaping holes in its rotation, bullpen and general bench depth. I can't fathom why the Cubs wouldn't need to make any additions to a team that currently sits four games behind the first place St. Louis Cardinals.

I recently read that Christian Guzman cleared waivers, and even though Washington doesn't want to trade him right now, I would at least entertain the idea of adding Guzman and moving Theriot to second base.

But that might make too much sense.

Editorial: Cubs fans need to re-route their anger

As an avid baseball fan, it's a rare occurrence when I admit openly that I cannot wait for the season to be over. But here I am doing so, if only to save my sanity from Cubs fans because their anger toward this ball club is misguided.

You can hate Alfonso Soriano as much as you want, but if not for his April (.955 OPS, 7 HRs) and July (.992 OPS, 5 HRs) performances, the Cubs would be Brooks & Dunn without the Brooks. Milton Bradley gets hit with the "you cost us Mark DeRosa" blame, yet it was Aaron Miles and Mike Fontenot that replaced DeRosa at second. Not Bradley. Bradley, did replace Jim Edmonds.

Say, what is Jimmy Baseball doing these days?

Anyway, if you really want someone to be angry with then direct it toward Jim Hendry, Lou Piniella and Sam Zell.