"...And that's how I nailed Kate Hudson before A-Rod."
Dirty 30 had an active offseason that included everything from being A-Rod's wingman to orchestrating a trade out of Chicago with some help from his good pal, Dirty 30 Juice. And according to my super slueths, I've got it on good authority that under the cover of night, Dirty 30 was able to strike again.
And with Dirty 30 back in Chicago for a four-game set that will surely include some post-game action, it's time to go to the vault.
"i heard Hawk's wife filed for divorce last week crazy (stuff). apparently, mark buehrle's perfect game gave him an orgasm he hasn't felt since he met carl yastrzemski at that club the same night he got roofied by nick swisher. buehrle won't go on the record, but he told me "Hawk told me he wanted to (perform an oral favor), but didn't call no homo. Now I gotta slap a restraining order on him. good thing swisher aint still on the team, or hawk mighta borrowed some pill. that's part of the reason he got traded. he slipped buehrle something and hawk and swish tag-teamed. i heard kenny williams caught em in the locker room and was jealous that he didn't get the invite."
Not sure what to make of any of this. But I wouldn't be surprised if something wasn't slipped into Jim Hendry's drink when he re-signed Ryan Dempster to a four-year, $52 million contract.
The conversation probably went something like this:
AGENT: Hi, Jim. My client Mr. Dempster is coming off an outstanding year in which he won 17 games, pitched 200 innings and appeared in the All Star Game. He also was your Game One starter.
HENDRY: Well, that's great. But Mr. Dempster hasn't pitched 200 innings in back-to-back years since 2000-02. In his two previous years with the Cubs, he didn't even rack up 200 innings in relief. His record going into next year will be 76-81. And while he's coming off a career year, he choked it up big time in Game One.
(Hendry begins coughing, choking after engulfing two dozen double-glazed donuts)
AGENT (handing Hendry an unmarked bottle): I want you to drink this, it'll make everything better.
HENDRY (grabs bottle and takes a swig): Oh, wow! What is this?
AGENT (removes mask and reveals himself as Dirty 30): It's Dirty 30 Juice. Now, let's talk about an extension for Mr. Dempster.
HENDRY: Here's a blank check for a four-year deal.
DIRTY 30: Even when I'm not in the batters box, I'm battin' 1.000. (Winks.)
It wasn't long after that when Dirty 30 put on his favorite love jams.